Thank You

My heart has been overwhelmed by the amount of compassion from all my on-line friends. You have all been wonderful through this trying time. Thank you.

For those of you who have privately emailed me, I will respond soon. There has been so much for me to do that I have had very little time to get everything done. Those emails have meant a lot to me and I will get back to you. The love that has been poured out on myself and my family has taken me by surprise. There are no words to express my feelings except "thank you".

Eulogy

We buried my mother yesterday. Her eulogy is at my brothers blog "Only in His Service." If your interested in reading it, click here.

Passing Over

I don't know what to write. I really don't. I wait on God to tell me what I should write and I hear nothing. I can only reflect.

The last 12 days have been long and a blur. I have seen God move in so many ways that I can only sit in awe of the beauty of His glory. I have had ordained appointments, seen into the spirit realm and cried till my eyes became raw.

I waited for the spirit of death and he arrived last night at 10 till 7. My mother is gone. Gone from us, but now with the Father. She cried at that moment of death and I rose up from my sit, bent over her and spoke truth to her. She heard me, my brother kissed her and she left. Oh, how we wept.

Throughout the day people had come and gone in her room. So, many prayed and so many songs were sang over her. The song, still resonate in my heart. My friends came and loved on my mother as if she were their own. They are, my friends, beautiful people of God. Giving of themselves in that hour and showing the love of God. To them I say "Thank you".

I prayed, all day, that God would let me see her go. I expected, if I saw, it to be like it was in the post "Spirit of Man". But, as the day went on, I just began to ask for God's will and left my need behind. Turns out, a friend had been praying that God would give me a supernatural experience with my mother and he did.

At some point in the day, I had the thought that my mother's spirit was going to go right through me. After the thought, I pondered and told myself that was weird.
Feeling it was my own strange thinking, I let it go. But, in that last moment, I knew before she took her last breath that it was done. I sat back and I saw a blur quickly rise up out of her and fly right through me. I felt a weight come off of me. It gave me the feeling that I had lost a hundred pounds and was, for a second weightless. She did as I had thought and flew right through me.

It has only been eleven hours now, but there has been much speculation on why this happen by a handful of people. One, was that she took with her the burden that I have been carry for the last five years of taking care of her. I don't know. Maybe, it was just God's way of answering my prayer of seeing her go. No matter what the reason, it was a beautiful moment and I thank the Most High for giving it to me.

They told us that we could take as much time with her as we wanted after she was gone. But, we began to pack up and leave. She was no longer there and we saw no point. Her body is now in the hands of the embalmer, which is a notion that I can not stand. I detest embalming and think that we should, like the Jews, go to the ground quickly and not mutilate the body. But, she wanted to allow time for her out of state family to come to see her. So, I cringe and just take it.

There are certain things that we need and want in this life and one that strikes us to the very core is the need for our mothers. Good or bad we are connected to her in so many ways. That earthly connection, for myself, has been broken. I will, however, see her again. I have that great hope in my life. I have assurance of where she is now and her future. My mother has not stopped she has become more. More lovely, more vigorous, more joyful, more enlightened, more gracious, more elegant, more beautiful. She is now set free and I know, with out a doubt, that she is happy.

My Will

Can we interfere with the plans of God? Can we, with the power that the Lord has left us, delay, destroy, or corrupt the plans of the Almighty? This is a question that I have been asking myself and searching God for the answer to.

Smith Wigglesworth wrote that his wife had been killed and dayand he prayed her back to life. This was a mistake (not in God's plan) and after a talk with his wife, he let her go to her God. I heard of another man who was ill and the doctors said that there was nothing that they could do for him. His wife, who was an incredible prayer warrior, prayed healing over him and he recovered. But,he became ill again, and again she prayed him to health. This went on and on till finally, the man asked that his wife be kept away from him so he could go to God.

These appear to be examples of interference with the plans of God.

I have been at the hospital for 12 days now. My mother is in the hospice unit and is just laying in the bed. Nothing more. Just lying there.

Last week, as I sat in front of her, I saw the spirit of death come to her. I gasped at the prospect. The spirit left, but then returned a moment later. I watch it and could feel the fear rise up within me. Then, again it left.

I was confused by this, why would it leave? I have prayed and look to God over the issue. A moment of clarity came to me at 3:30 in the morning. I had gotten up from m hospital bed to ask the nurses to move my mother and give her morphine. After I sat down, a man walked into the room. What is this at 3:30 in the morning? He told me he was a Chaplin.

He mentioned my mother and I welled up with tears. He said, that's alright, even Christ wept. I shared with him, that I believe that Christ wept because He could feel the pain of His people and was overcome by His love for them. The Chaplin began to weep and said "You have moved me." He then pulled up a chair. We had the most intimate and deep conversation,, about our God that I have ever had. We shared our love for God and what He had done for us. We truly ministered to each other. But, He seemed to know things about me that I had not told him and in those things he gave me incredibly encouraging words.

At one point, while he was speaking, I looked over at my mother and knew that God was talking to me. He said, "It is your fault". I knew that He was talking about why she lingers. "It is your fault". What a frightening thought that was to me.

I have prayed about this for a few days. I now realize that in my will, my subconscious will, I have interfered with the plans of God. I have not prayed to keep my mother from death, but have willed it in my deep longings for her to stay.

I always, try to only do what I see my Father doing and to never pray against His will. But, knowing this is wrong, I never thought about the outcome of doing such a thing. How devastating.

My will not God's. Not the way I try to walk, but this is what I have been doing. So, now, I have to learn how to completely surrender this one, knowing that when I do my mother will leave. I have tried and not found the road to completeness with this issue. I continue to strive to unload my will and lay it at the foot of the cross.

So, much to battle right now. I can only surrender and watch God's hand at work. I know the glory and joy that will lay at the other end, but right now it is a battle. I am, however, very tired of the battle and want to surrender so I can rest in the arms of my God.

Venting

The weekend is here and I do not usually post. But, I am still sitting in this hospital room and wanting to let out my feelings. So, my blog gets the brunt of my emotional whirl wind.

My mother no longer speaks, eats nor drinks. She just is. It is very difficult for me to not be able to fix this. When your child has a cold, broken arm, stubbed toe, you fix it. Never knew how intense this urge was, to fix, was in me. I feel helpless, but praise God, nor hopeless.

I slept last night, for the first time in days. But, I would wake up in the hospital bed and listen to hear her breathe. She continues on but, without pain and for that I am so very grateful.

Every once in a while, I freak out. It is as if I suddenly explode with emotion. What I'd really like to do is to scream at the top of my lungs for about 5 minutes. That would relieve a lot, but instead I let in out a bit at a time. So, bits of explosion come out of me now and then and I weep.

There is no room for us in the hospice. Is that a weird thing. They are full and have a waiting list. So, the hospital that we are in has made her room into a temporary hospice. It has all been surreal.

I keep turning to God for my comfort. He stands by me and my family. I see Him in the faces of those who care for my mother and those who come to encourage and support the family through this time. I am, so very grateful to everyone. God is here and I am blessed because of it.

A Time to Die

It is 10:47 at night. I am sitting in a hospital beside the bed of my mother. Today I made the decision to take her off all medical help. So, now I wait.

We do a lot of waiting in our life time. We wait for the baby to be born, we wait for the bride to walk down the aisle. We wait for the beginning and we wait for the end. We wait in line and we wait for the pain to stop. But, this is the longest wait of my life.

I watch her chest rise and fall and think ahead to that last moment when it no longer rises. When my mother is no longer a part of my everyday existence and I no longer hear her voice. That is a time I wish would never come. But, I sit and wait for that moment knowing I can not stop time.

I chose to make this wait stop. I told the doctors "no more". And yet, I have my doubts that I did the right thing. Knowing it is the right decision and feeling it is right are two different things. My feelings are drowning in a sea of tears.

The wait could take a while. "No one knows" is what the doctor said. He added that, "her heart is strong, but it is failing." I wondered at the contradiction, but understood that she was not going to come back to me. So, morphine is the drug of comfort and now she sleeps. But, I do not. I sit and wait. Watching her chest rise and fall. Waiting for her to leave me.

The Farm

The first time I heard the audible voice of God I hear, "No predator will cross your land." I had been working in the psych department of a local hospital, at the time, and thought I needed to go to lock up because I was now hearing voices.

Within moments, I realized I was hearing God's voice. So, I then got excited. What could this mean, was my next thought. We were, at the time, living on our 120 acre farm. I was only about a mile from the farm when I heard this message. So, I immediately believed that God meant my farm. But, when I shared this word with a friend she said, "isn't it frustrating that God always speaks in parables." I was a new Christian, so I believed that what she was saying was the absolute truth and decided that what God truly meant was that He would not let people cross me or destroy me.

Now, as I think back on that, I realize that God has not once talk to me in parables. He has always spoke to me without mystery. It has always been straight talk with no hidden meaning. So, I ask myself, why would He have talk to me in a parable this one and only time.

So, I have reevaluated this Word and gone back to what my sense of its meaning was in the beginning.

We still own the farm. We had to move into town because of the Lupus that, at that time, was ravaging my body. The doctors said I needed to be close to a hospital. Since my healing, we have not thought of moving back. But, we did not feel the need to sell it either. The land is leased out and that makes the payments for us. But, now, we have an intense sense that we need to get back to the farm.

Both my husband and myself have been praying, intensely about this decision. Wanting only Gods will in this matter. Gas prices are a concern. My husband has to work and it is 60 miles aways from work. This is an isolated farm. Even the locals say our farm is in the boonies. It is far from civilization.

So, back to the word. My original thought was that God meant that my land was a safe place. A place that no predator (man) would cross. That in the end times this was a sanctuary from the evil of the world.

Last night, God gave me a dream, where I was back on the farm. Last evening, my daughter, A Homesteading Neophyte, shows up and wants to talk about all of us moving to the farm and homesteading it. Her and her husband are concerned about a depression and the prophesies of the Bible. This morning, while I am praying about what to post, God tells me to turn on the T.V. and when I did, there was another report about food rationing in the United States and in the world. Am I seeing God's hand at work in my life, telling me to go back to the farm.

I am pragmatic in my thinking. I try to be practical and consider and weigh all options. Should I wait to make sure that this is what God is saying or should I just jump in and go for what I think that God is leading me toward?

Again I quote the Word:

Proverbs 22:3
A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.

I want only to follow the leading of my God. So, we pray, we seek, we follow.

Lesson Learned

"Surrender all" that's the way the song goes. "I surrender all".

Every once in a while, especially when I least expect it, God will reveal to me a weakness, sin or perhaps a control issue in my life. He rarely lets me know these things through a word or dream. It is usually in a round about way that I find fascinating.

As many of you know, my mother broke her hip about five weeks ago. She then had to be put into a nursing home and last week developed heart and kidney failure and pneumonia. She continues to be very ill and my brother, Only in His Service, and I are there most of the time. Especially, my brother.

She is not eating very well. Hardly at all. So, my brother and I have taken it upon ourselves to be there every meal and try to get her to eat. While there I pray and ask God questions. He has been very slow to answer my questions.

I will look at my mother and wonder why she is holding on so long. I have seen, over the years, people give up on life or make a decision that they can let go and then they pass on. So, I wonder and have asked God, why she has such a will, in her horribly frail condition, to live. I know that she longs to see God and to be with my earthly father. But, she lingers.

Then you ask yourself, "Is there a purpose for her lingering?" "What could that be?"

This morning, as I sat here praying about what to post, my thoughts went to my mother and her condition. As, I thought God revealed much to me about my mother and myself.

I know that I do not want to die and the reason may seem strange. I do not want to miss anything. I want to see what is going to happen next on this earth. Now , this is not to say that I will not see what happens next if I do die, I really don't know the answer to that. Maybe, I just never thought much about it. But, the reality is, my thinking is a bit skewed on this matter.

There by, goes my mother as well. This morning God revealed that my mother is just like me. She may miss something and does not want to let go. How controlling is that???

You think you have surrendered all. Given everything to God and WHAM He shows you the truth. My need to know and see what will happen next is keeping me from truly surrendering to God.

I thank God that He continues to show me those unknown sins in my life and that He has used my mothers condition to show me this sin. Perhaps, this is the reason she lingers. With her Alzheimer's, she is not in the mind set to be thinking "I'm going to hang around to see what happens next". But, I think of how she has probably been, like myself, in this mind set all of her life. This is probably one of those self fulling curses that we can put on ourselves.

I can not say to her "when you see God, go to Him" like I did for the man in my post "Spirit of Man". Her mind will not conceive of the idea. I can not pray that God will take her, because I am not sure of God's will in this matter. I do soooo pray that she not suffer. But, I watch as she does. I do understand that nothing happens by circumstance and that the reason is there for the understanding. I, perhaps, have learned the reason and have come to that understanding.

I have got to surrender all. Give up on the notion that I need to see what is going to happen next and stop the control issue. My mother has taught me one more lesson. For that I am eternally grateful.

The Time is Nigh

These last five days I have posted prophetic warnings from Gods prophets. These warnings are just a small portion of the warnings that are being given in the land. There is no doubt in my mind that we have entered into the last days and the black horse has been released

Revelation 6:5-6 (New Century Version)

When the Lamb opened the third seal, I heard the third living creature say, "Come!" I looked, and there before me was a black horse, and its rider held a pair of scales in his hand. Then I heard something that sounded like a voice coming from the middle of the four living creatures. The voice said, "A quart of wheat for a day's pay, and three quarts of barley for a day's pay, and do not damage the olive oil and wine!"

Then the forth seal is opened.

When the Lamb opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature say, "Come!" I looked, and there before me was a pale horse. Its rider was named death, and Hades[a] was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the earth to kill people by war, by starvation, by disease, and by the wild animals of the earth.

It is not a matter of time, the time is now. You can feel it in the air. Even the secular world is feeling it and knows that something is wrong. They have heard the warnings from the Christians and now are seeing God's hand working. There is fear in the world.

The first rationing of food has begun here in the United States. In Canada you can not preach certain parts of the Word of God because it is considered hate speech. That will soon be here, especially if Mr. Obama gets elected to the presidency. After all, in his mind, we Christians are weak minded folks who only turn to God in our bitterness. His agenda, is not righteous.

There is no stopping this season. But, there is multiple things you, my dear reader, can do.

Proverbs 22:3
A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.

Seek the Lord on how you should prepare. The number one things is to be right with your God. There is great persecution to come for your belief and you need the strength of the Lord to get through. The next, is to follow His lead in what He would have you do. Not all will prepare in the same way. Some will store food, some build shelters, some both etc. It is the Lord that will decide.

As for my secular friends. The Lord says to you:

Jeremiah 29:13
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

I was an atheist when the Lord caught me. I did not understand what truth nor love was till that day He took hold of me. I met the Creator of the Universe on that glorious day and my life was turned upside down. Life did not get easier, it became constant. Because,

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Hebrews 13:8

Hard times lie ahead. For you who know God, go deeper into His arms and hold on to His promises. For you who do not know Him, He waits for you. Just look for Him and you will find Him. Than longing in your heart, that ache in your soul, that hunger in your life is God. He is calling you by name into His love.