Sunday, December 2, 2007

Sense of Death

I have had an impending sense of death for weeks. I actually thought it was my death. It has been so strong that I wasn't quite sure what I was suppose to do with this feeling, knowledge, sense. All I really knew was that death was in the air.

Friday I got a phone call. When I said "hello" the voice on the other end was strange. Mostly, I heard breathing. Very labored breathing. I heard my name called and recognized, the weak voice, as a friend. She was trying to ask for prayer. But, I went to see her instead of praying over the phone. When I got there, I was alarmed at her appearance. She'd lost weight and could not stand up straight. Her coughing tore at her ribs and she moaned with pain.

In October her sister had died, at 39, of a massive heart attack. My friend was having great difficulty with this loss. So much so that God showed me that my sense of death was not about me, but, was about her. She had such a desire for death that the enemy was killing her. We prayed for hours, talked a lot about spiritual matters, broke soul & spirit dies and broke the assignment to kill her. She looked so much better. God met her there and she celebrated. By Sunday, though, she was back in bad shape. Tomorrow, I will see her again.

My sense of death did not relent. I decided that we were not done with our work and that was the problem. But, tonight I got another call. Another friend called for prayer. Her husbands brother had had a heart attack and a few hours later his sister had a heart attack. I was stunned. This was a major attack on a family. Before I could even get a pray out, the phone rang again. The brother, whom I enjoyed in life. had passed. He was gone. God has taken him home.

I felt selfish. I felt this sense of death was about me. My mind never considered that it was about someone else. But, when I think about this, I realize that as a human, it would be difficult for me to project those feelings onto someone else. It is easier for me to consider my own death, than to perceive that another could go home.

I didn't ask God what was going on. Why I was having these feelings. I just assumed it was about myself. Why didn't I ask God? I usually do. Again, I don't think I wanted to know. I, also, don't believe that God was wanting me to pray against these things. I do believe that it was more of a warning for me, a perpetration for the events to come. With my first friend, it was definitely a help. I knew exactly what was going on because of the what had been going on with me. The feelings that I'd been having led me to what her problem was. God, as always, was leading and teaching me.

I made assumptions. A mistake. But, with this I learned more about myself and my limitations. Death does not scare me, I just don't want it for others. Or, at least, I do not want to be forewarned.

Father, thank you that you expose those things in me that keep me from you. That keep me from my purpose. That limit my walk by your side. Forgive me for not taking my eyes off of myself and putting them on you.