Channel of Healing was gracious enough to give me the Perseverance Award. How very kind of her.
My perseverance is certainly not of my own strength. I have many, a time, wanted to not blog. It is only through the power and strength of God that I continue. He tells me what to write and when. There have been a few times that I have written a post in my own strength and one can certainly tell it was not a thought from God.
The Perseverance award is to “… acknowledge those blogger's who have invested their very life in their blogs so as to encourage, build and warn others.”
That covers a lot of territory and I pray that I live up to those words. But, I can also see were I lack. This award has made me reflect on my blog and on my life and those reflections have shown me the places that I could use some improvement in perseverance.
The definition of perseverance is "steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement."
I started thinking about perseverance in my Christian walk. The Calvinistic definition of perseverance is "Theology. continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation." That is not a problem for most Christians, but perseverance in the area of "dedication" that may be a problem. How dedicated are you in your walk with God? Do you persevere in this area?
I know that I believe. I know that I have been given grace. I know that I love God. But, do I, as a Christian, persevere in my witness, reading of the Word, prayer life and joy. Or, have I waned in those areas and quit persevering?
We think of perseverance, in our Christian walk, has hanging on to God in those rough times. I suggest that it is more. Perseverance will now include my witness, my prayer life, my Bible study and my joy.
Thank you Channel of Healing, you have taken my to a new place.
I would like to pass this award on to:
A Homesteading Neophyte....boy can you persevere.
Dancing With Butterflies...Not only perseveres with God, but with Lupus
Leaf Float Down Stream....Her photos bring me peace
Prairie Dreams...Persevering through a tornado. Oh My.
Random Reflections...I don't know how you do it all.
Shea's Cool Little Art Blog...Artist always have to persevere
Monday, March 31, 2008
Posted by Given55 at 5:02 AM
Friday, March 28, 2008
I met with three of my team members on Wednesday. What a wonderful contrast of personalities. Interestingly enough though,is the fact that, one is quit like myself. This, took me back at bit.
Roseann is quite and meek. Me....not so much. I am like Peter. Bold and suffer from Foot in Mouth disease. Rosanne is serious. Me....not so much. If I can not find the silly side of life, I'm in trouble. Something is seriously wrong with me if I can not laugh. God even cracks me up sometimes.
While we talked on Wednesday. Roseann had a question for me. She had tried to have the answer answered at another meeting that was attended by people that did not understand her but, I was proud of her for exposing her gift to them. Her question goes, "This is going to sound weird, but when I'm in prayer, I can hear my spirit praying in tongues to the Father. Is this ok?" She, also, stated that she does not speak in tongues.
While Roseann speaks, she likes to hide herself behind her hands. She peaks out, now and then, to check on your reaction. She was joyous at my reaction.
My reaction was, "Of course, that is alright." I shared with her my experience with spirit to spirit communication. How, while at a retreat, my spirit had spoken, in long converation, to someone else' spirit. It happened more than once that day. I could hear the conversation, but did not understand it, because it was always in a language I did not understand.
I, also, shared with her what God had shown me about our spirit being seperate from our soul. I told her of the question that God had asked me. "Why would I take, a spirit, that I have known and loved through eternity and put it into a body that I knew was going to burn in hell?"
She was relieved at my response and shared more. She relaxed in knowing that the things she is seeing are real and from God. Relaxed in the fact that she is not crazy.
I marveled at how much she is like me. Seeing into the spirit realm has I do. The others on the team, are different in their giftings. But, her and I, truly, have eyes to see. She however, is insecure and gentle. Where I have confidence and will always be rough around the edges.
God has exposed to me the true nature of man. He has shown me how truly evil man can be. Not what we know to be evil, but the depths of evil. Roseann, on the other hand, understand evil, but has not experienced the depths of that place. I pray that this is not for her.
I like watching Roseann grow up into her gifts. It gives me pleasure to guide her into her own. Her innocence is refreshing. She does see the demonic and is uncomfortable there, but God gives her an even dose of seeing Him. How wonderful. I have had to ask to see the angelic.
So alike, are we, but so different. It will be fun to see how God moves us into ministry and how Roseann and I grow together into one. Serving the Lord in healing and deliverance.
I have quoted and shared in this post from these previous posts; "Spirit to Spirit Communication", "What a Weekend","Angels Among Us","The Source"
Posted by Given55 at 4:51 AM
Thursday, March 27, 2008
I received an e-mail yesterday from a new blogger. I was so surprised and excited to meet another like myself. He is blogging at: Walking in the Supernatural with God.
I love it. God is bringing us out of our self imposed exile and having us share with the world.
My first post, I now see, never was posted for the public to see. How weird is that. I guess I was so new at blogging, I did not even look at the blog page to see how it looked. I don't know, but I just found it as a draft, never posted. So, I am posting it today, only because, I want you to see that one of my goals was to meet others like Bill, our new blogger.
I thought I was alone
When I first became a Christian I was overwhelmed by the fact that there was a God. I had been an atheist for most of my life. The experience I had when first coming to God can not be surpassed by anything in this realm.
I was driving down the highway at 60 mile per hour. I said, "Ok, if you exist you will have to show me." He did. I was hit with feelings of power, joy, love, warmth. It was so overpowering that I laughed & cried. Since that moment, in time, my life with God has been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs.
I have found out a lot about myself. I certainly have learned that I am the chief of all sinners and yet God continues to use me. What a wonderful and forgiving God.
For years I had ignored the strange things that happened around me. Believing that these oddities must be my imagination or a short circuit in my mind. At 12 I saw my first dead person. Throughout my life I have seen demons, the dead, heard things, tasted things, smelled things and felt things that were unexplainable.
After I came to God, these things increased. I truly felt that I was perhaps a wicked Christian. I had heard that this was not of God, but, I could not stop all that was happening.
That first year of my Christian life God showed me many things. He showed me that I was perfectly made and that these things that seemed odd about me were from Him. He showed me how to use them to His glory through counseling and healing. He showed me that through Him I have a purpose. That purpose is to reflect the light of Jesus Christ onto others. To set free the oppressed & heal the broken hearted.
He, also, has shown me that I am not alone. That there are others out there like me. Others that are afraid to speak out about these gifts. I am not alone and I hope that through this blog I will meet others like me.
Posted by Given55 at 5:00 AM
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
God can and will do anything. Do you believe and walk in that statement? If you are not you are not living up to the full extent of the Word of God and will not see the power of the Almighty.
If my Bible reads like yours, it tells us that, "with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26. What is the full extent of that statement? Well, I can tell you what it is not.
It is not, allowing evil to seduce your brother, watch as a friend succumbs to illness, nor standing by as your nation crumbles. The Word says, ALL...yes...ALL things are possible. Not just the things you think God might allow, the full extend of that statement is "ALL".
If I have, turned my mind over to Christ, disciplined my mind and put on the mind of Christ,then I will walk away from the human nature of putting limits and control over the acts of God. I will see the fullness of the Word, the working of the Holy Spirit and the pleasure of God to act of our behalf.
If you are not walking in the power of the Holy Spirit, you are not walking in the full extent of the Word. You are missing the boat. It is sailing away into the sunset without you. You are denying unto yourself the mysteries, wonders and power of God.
Well now, what does it mean to walk in the Holy Spirit? To be renewed and to see God in everything. To be led in your thoughts by God. To know the voice of your Father. To expect the unexplainable. To know, intimately your Lord. To give up your natural being.
The full extent of the Word is yours for the taking. It is a gift that you can take hold of and enjoy. The full extent is where we, as Christians, should be dwelling. Living outside of ourselves and in Him.
Posted by Given55 at 4:33 AM
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
My brother, Only in His Service, came to visit last week. It was a great relief to me because I got a bit of a rest from taking sole care of our mother. He was there when we put her into the nursing home. That helped me a lot.
Spiritually speaking, it was an interesting visit. He has known God a lot longer than I, but has strayed away a few times. He has, now, come back to God full force and with an emotional vigor that is wonderful.
The interesting thing, though, is the different levels that we are on and yet the commonality that exists.
He will read this, "Hi Bro", but I am going to be completely honest. He knows the Word, perhaps better than I, but has not experienced the Word. He hears God and that is growing. God is calling him to a greater place but, he has not found that place as of yet. God is molding him a new heart and the pain is obvious. His walk will, at times, be painful and he will have to hold on tied to the promises of God. He is with people, but is lonely.
While he was here, he got to meet several of my friends and found he was missing a depth to God that he had not experienced. He longs for that and is seeking it. But, he will be alone in that search. God, is pulling him closer, but he has no one to disciple him to that end. This is not always a negative thing. I did not have that someone for a while, but I could not have gone as deep as I have without a mature supernatural person guiding me into what God had for me.
God is breaking his heart. Tearing him from the things that he has relied on to feel grounded. He found here, at my home, Christian love. He shared with me yesterday, that he had felt "loved" on his visit. I love him as my brother and my friends loved him as a brother. This has been lacking in his life and God is bringing him to see that he needs this in his life and that He, God, wants that in his life.
He was prophesied over while he was here and God spoke loud and clear to him. God is developing in him a new thing. A new walk into the supernatural. One of the ways God spoke to him, while he was here, was in a dream. He shared that dream with myself and another. We shared our interpretation on that dream, but God has revealed to me, that both interpretations were wrong. Or perhaps, it is just that it had more than one meaning.
God has shown me that his dream is showing him that he is walking in a dead place. A place of destruction. It is all around him. His place, were he is suppose to be, is just over the horizon. He can do good works, where he is at, but, the better place is on the other side of that dead zone. That is the place where he will walk into the fullness of God.
Our visit was certainly ordained by God. I saw God pull out of tragedy, many wonderful things. This would include watching my brother begin to change his walk with God, right before my eyes. We have the same DNA. We can and will walk down the same supernatural path. What I want for my brother is the same thing that God wants for my brother "Freedom".
He is new to blogging, just started. If you have the time stop by his site and say "Hi". Make him feel at home in blogdom.
Posted by Given55 at 4:16 AM
Monday, March 24, 2008
And Jacob was left alone, and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day.
I was at a retreat for women breaking their soul and spirit ties. I had been praying for a very long time., working with a team of two other women. It had been a wonderful supernatural experience.
A women came in for prayer. I had never met her before and was looking forward to finding out what God had for her. She was not a very big women and was soft spoken.
We sat facing each other in prayer. When we had said, "Amen", she leaned forward and said to me "I have a spirit in me." She then grabbed me and pulled me to the floor. We started rolling back and forth on the floor. We rolled over the tops of each other over and over again. Stopping facing each other in a bear hug.
I did not feel that I was in danger, so I just went with the flow. When we stopped, I commanded the spirit to leave her in the name of Jesus. She began to shake in my arms and growl a bit. We laid there for a short while and then she said, "I have a spirit of ....." Then we would roll again and I would command the spirit out.
This went on for quit a while. We must have been a sight. I was ill at the time and on steroids. I had ballooned up to 300 pounds, so I must have looked like I was engulfing her with my body. But, none the less, we kept rolling and rolling and rolling.
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the other two team members. They were across the room, frantically looking through the Bible. They are looking through the Bible and I am rolling around the floor with this woman I had just met. Every once in a while, this women would gag and my mind would freak out believing I was about to have vomit in my ear. But, God spared me that and in my thoughts I was ready to take it to see this woman free.
We rolled for, what seemed like forever. Finally, we both sat up. Sitting side by side and panting from exhuastion, the other women come over to us, "we have verses for you." Both myself and the woman look at them and crack up laughing.
I realize they did not know what to do in this strange situation, but it was so funny that after it was done, they came over with the verses. God wanted them to stay away from the exorsim for a time. It was meant for just myself and this woman. She said things in my ear that others should not have had previlge to, so it became just her and I.
She wrestled till it was done. She believed in the mercy of God and came specifically for deliverance and she got it. She came expecting. The two of us, obedient to God, found healing in following the leading of God. Strange as it was, it was God.
Why do we not obey the leading of God? That is easy. It may look silly. This one certainly did. But, the results of obedience are incredible. God has a reason for everything and if He is calling you to do something, your response should always be "Yes". I certainly have not always been a "yes" person. I have a tendency, at times, to argue the point with God. But, He always wins out. But, of course, He is God.
Posted by Given55 at 4:13 AM
Friday, March 21, 2008
Most of my readers know that I have a diagnosis of Lupus. It is widely known in the Lupus community that the show "House" seems to always bring up this dreaded disease.
The reason for this, is that Lupus mimics so many other diseases. The thing is, it never is Lupus.
In November, they did finally have a show that had a patient with Lupus.
But, we who are plagued with Lupus find it fun to watch how many times "It is not Lupus". For your enjoyment here is "House" of course, "It is not Lupus"
Posted by Given55 at 3:24 PM
I had my first child when I was 18 years of age. I went on to have 3 more. I was married to their father for 16 years. He has now passed. I have been married now for 13 years and in that 13 years have taken care of my mother for 5 years.
I have always taken care of someone. But, now my children are grown and gone and yesterday, I put my mother into a nursing home.
I still hear my mother at home and still try not to wake her in the morning. I think through out the day what I need to do next for her.
My husband and I are alone. No one is dependent on me any longer. It is a weird feeling for me. I will, of course, be focused on my husband. But, we are both so independent that he really does not have to depend on me.
So, my life has changed in a huge way. I, for the first time, can make choices that do not depend on whether I can take a dependent along. I will have freedom that I have never experienced in my adult life. Whoa, it is almost overwhelming.
I feel, some how, unbalanced. I suppose this is all about empty nest. But, my house is rarely empty. People come and go most of the day and the phone rings constantly. What I don't want to do, is fall into caring for others and making them dependent on me.
So, I seek God, in my new found freedom. What will He want from me? In asking that, I feel excitement. Truly there is nothing more exciting than watching God maneuver your life into the unknown. I will go peacefully down that road and enjoy every minute of it. My prophetic team is formed and that I know will be used by God. His plan is laid out and I will obediently walk that out.
Posted by Given55 at 4:53 AM
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Walking into the enemies camp unprepared can feel fine. One can so easily be blinded by Satan even if you are a Christian. Being prepared in season and out is harder than one thinks.
It would seem, that no matter how strong you may think you are, or how prepared you may think you are, there he, (Satan) sits. He is always at the ready, always waiting to trip you up, always trying to steal your soul.
The last few days, I know, that I have jumped in and out of my flesh. Feeling helpless at times, having thoughts of harming another, and not, at the very moment I should have, turning to God and shouting "HELP".
My peace, at times, disappeared and I fought on the level that my earthly enemy understood. Bringing myself down to their level of the natural, I fought in their arena. Knowing what meant most to them, I attacked the most precious thing to them and did not think to ask God which way to go, I just reacted and fought back in the flesh.
When I am in hospitals, because I see into the spirit realm, I see many supernatural entities, I have not seen one thing. I see and feel good and evil. But, have left my spiritual eyes behind. I have, very seldom, look to God for answers. Mostly, I have looked to that inner strength that God placed in me. It an inner strength that brought me to Him and keeps me with Him.
But, on this occasion, I used the inner strength to topple a self induced mighty power.
So, in my battle how wrong was I? Am I totally out of line in the way I handle the situation? Did David, while in battle, continually have in his mind, the love of the Lord?
My strength comes from the Lord. This I know to be true. My gifts come from the Lord. My life comes from the Lord and that life is His to mold. So, what have I learned.
God prepares you for battle. You never walk in blindly and it may feel like you are walking in the flesh, but, every step is guided and marked by God, because you are His chosen. He knew before hand the path He had laid out before you and knew the battle ahead. He knew the strength that He had put in you to topple Goliath and knew the victory that would be won. Never once, in the battle are you out of the hand of God.
There is no way, we can come up against such enormous institutions (Goliaths) like I just did, and expect victory without God. His hand marked every step I took. He wanted this to be done and it is done. His is the victory.
In the heat of battle, my flesh, would at times rise up and my thoughts would always go to the same place. "I'm going to slap your face." Well, I do ask forgiveness for that and seek the Lord to not go there again. But, I think of the Lord and when He showed righteous anger and I understand that anger. I'm not justifying my thought, but do see validity in anger over oppression.
There have been changes at the hospital, put there by our God. And whether the doctor involved takes these spiritual lesson to heart or not she got the lesson put in her face. But, the hospital received the lessons and changes were put into place. Thank you God, that others will not have to face this same battle.
For the times that my flesh up, I am forgiven. God knows my weaknesses and expects them. Nothing is unknown to Him. He knows me and knows what I am capable of, so He used me to fight the good fight of justice. I am tired, but I am victorious through my Lord Jesus Christ.
Posted by Given55 at 6:56 AM
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
I just walked through,with my mother, an example of God's love that left me with a great feeling of victory.
As most of you know, my mother fell and broke her hip Friday night. She was admitted to the hospital and we were told they would operate Sunday or Monday depending on when her blood thinner was out of her system. Well, things got a bit complicated.
Saturday morning, we were told at about 11:00 in the morning, that her blood was ready for surgery and that she could go at any time. So, we waited. But, I had not seen a doctor or surgeon at all. I asked several times to see one, but by the late afternoon, I told a nurse that I would not sign consent for surgery till I spoke to one and I finally went home.
At home I got a call at 9:00 in the evening. A doctor was calling to get consent. This was a bit irritating, but I gave verbal consent for surgery in the morning. We got to the hospital and waited. Time for the surgery came and went. We asked what was going on and were told that she had been bumped and would have surgery at 1:00 in the afternoon.
My mother, of course, can not eat nor drink while we wait. Now, 1:00 comes and goes. Word came to us, only because I asked the nurses to find out, that she was bumped till 3:00. Already in a weakened state, my mother had now, from lack of food and drink, stopped talking, taking commands and can not lift her arms nor head. So, I begin to get irritated.
Then, 3:00 comes and goes. My husband and I pray constantly and our prayers are of deep concern for my mother and the physical state that we see her declining into. No longer are we able to just accept the words relayed from surgery, we are now visibly disturbed. Our mouths begins to express our feelings.
She is now bumped till 8:00 in the evening. My husband and I find ourselves bouncing ideas and thoughts off of each other about what was happening. Worried about my mother we begin to think about resending the consent.
This is a Catholic hospital that I use to work there. I know the ins and outs. My husband and I begin to raise a little trouble. The nurses, who have all day, intercede on our behalf, were the first, to receive our wrath. My husband snapped at one and she quickly backed off. Trying to give us more excuses, he let her know that we did not believe, anymore, these excuses. I demanded to speak to a nun. This caused quit the stir and options were given to me, that excluded the nuns.
It felt like we were walking in the flesh. Anger would rise up in both of us and we would, at first, express this anger to each other in "our next move". I would say a quick prayer, but the next thing that would happen, my reactions would feel far from Godly especially when we got the next word from surgery. "Surgery will be a 3:00 am.
No, way, was my response. "I am resending my consent." A doctor from surgery, finally, shows up in my mothers room and starts to explain to us why it was taking so long. The problem was, he was repeating back to us everything that we had been saying for hours. Everything that he had heard the nurses say was our concern. But, he did say, that they were canceling the surgery till the morning.
Our concern for my mothers well being was so great, I spent the night at the hospital. A friend from my prophetic team stayed with me and so started a very long night. My mother got to eat and drink and we saw strenght begin to come back to her body. But, of course, at midnight, again, she had to stop eating and drinking.
In the night, a women was put into the bad next to my mother. She, too, had a broken hip. When morning came the hospital staff began to prep both women for surgery. It felt like the top of my head was going to come off when they took the other woman off to surgery and we just sat there. By, now, my prayers were more of a plead to clam me.
Finally, after 2 days, we went down to surgery. I have to go to pre-op, with my mother. Her inability to remember, makes me her spokes person and someone needed to speak to the anesthetist. My senses on edge, every thing in the room look surreal and my thoughts were suspicious of everything.
She lay on the gurney and I sat at her side. I over hear a word that caused my very being to explode. "BUMPED". Oh,no. I could not have heard that. The other lady, from my mothers room, was now being wheeled into surgery and she had not even been there 24 hours. The nurse came over and said she had been bumped for 30 minutes. My anger welled up, but I decided 30 minutes was not bad. But, my suspicions were standing at attention.
I joined my husband and friend in the waiting room. Unfortunately, it was very obvious to anyone in the room, that we were not a happy group of people. Not five minutes into our wait, I heard my mothers name ring out into the room. The women who was to tell you when surgery was over, was now holding the phone into the air saying the phone is for you. Walking to the phone, I asked myself, "am I in a really bad movie."
On the other end of the phone was the pre-op nurse. "The surgery has been bumped to 3:00 this afternoon." There was a very long silence at that moment. I sat there and she sat there. My husband and friend sat close by watching me. The women who oversaw the waiting room was patiently waiting for me to end my conversation. The room was pact with people waiting for their loved ones to get out of surgery. I...was slowly loosing it.
"What am I suppose to do now?" was my slow response. My tone and volume caused a sudden silence to fall across the immediate area and my husband said, "Oh, no." I heard on the other end of the phone. "Just go to your mothers room, she will be up there in a few minutes." Another silence fell over the phone. The room was waiting for my next words. My words came out commanding and deliberate. "This surgeon is fired."
That was when chaos hit the hospital. My words sent ripples through that institution and I immediately became famous. The nurse on the other end of the phone was lost. She did not know what to do next. I told her, "Get me a new doctor and get it now." People around me shifted in their seat uncomfortably and my husband was hanging on my every word. The women waiting to run her waiting room comfortably, was getting anxious. "I will have to call you back, I don't know how to do what you are requesting" was all the pre-op nurse could say.
We sat and waited. Leaving me to my own thoughts, in a time like this, is never wise. I got up from my seat, went back over to the desk of the poor women trying to run her waiting room and asked for a patients rights pamphlet. I was going to begin to make phone calls. She said to me, "perhaps you would like this instead." I looked at what she had given me and on it were phone numbers of people overseeing surgery. So, I went to the phone.
The person on the other end of the call immediately said, "Is this the daughter of Nancy". A bit surprise by this, but not unnerved, I stated, "You bet it is." "Get me a new doctor."
Now, I will begin to shorten this story.
My husband and I met with this wonderful women. She talked me into letting the surgeon operate. The surgeon was now at the hospital. She did operate and my mother is well. However, this surgeon continued to make noise and met with us. Her ego is so large she could not even recognize what she had put us through. So, I told her. She was stunned and blamed the hospital. My husband said to her. "If it is the hospitals fault, then give us a phone number to talk to someone about this problem". She was up against a wall, but gave us the number.
The next day we met with the head of surgery. She, being forthright, told us the truth. Finally, the truth. When this doctor was told that there would be a 30 minute delay she told the hospital that she would not operate then till 3:00. Her time was to important to be delayed.
With the truth at our side, we continued to demand a new surgeon. We got the director of surgery as a new surgeon. This doctor has been wrote up. All is resolved.
So many people were praying for this situation. I, however, felt like, most of the time, I was walking in the flesh. Fighting for my mother and for any others that this doctor has or will hurt. It felt like my prayers were few and my flesh took over.
But, at the end of it, you ask God. "What was that all about?" The answer. "Correction". I have seen a lot of correction lately. So, have many of my friends. God using those that are usable and bringing correction to the people.
This doctor, had put herself above God. Her arrogance and pride were what fed her life. She hurt those whom she saw as less than and thought she was untouchable. God used me to stop this doctor. He kept my mother safe and me from hitting anyone. I can't say that I walk in righteousness the whole time, but God did use me to His end.
I am grateful to God that He saw us through this horrible ordeal and that He sees me fit to be used. I am glad it is over and I pray that this doctor gets and keep the message from God. Reform has come to the hospital, by way of new rules on communicating with families of loved ones and I hope with handling the prideful among them.
Posted by Given55 at 4:12 AM
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
I'm not back yet, but wanted to let everyone know that my mother survived the surgery. The Alzheimer's has worsened because of the anesthesia, but hopefully will get better. I can't post a lot yet because things are not good at the hospital and I have to be there all the time. Things are so bad that we are talking to the hospital administrators today.
Will post as soon as I can. You have all been wonderful and your prayers felt.
Posted by Given55 at 7:10 AM
Saturday, March 15, 2008
I was sitting on my couch crocheting when I heard an unusual sound. I looked up, just in time, to see my mother complete her fall onto my hardwood floor. The sound of her landing was loud, hard and frightening. I knew, at that very moment, that her hip was broken.
Friday night, we sent for an ambulance. They took my mother away to the hospital. When I arrived at the hospital, it was so overcrowded, that she had a bed in the hall. Her pain was severe and I could do little to help her.
She feels grounded, when she is looking at me. For the last few months, I would look up and there she would be, just staring at me. Her mind lost in the blur of Alzheimer's, no telling what she would be thinking. So, at the hospital, I made sure she could see me at all times.
Finally, the verdict. A broken hip. She was admitted and we went on home. We needed to be there early the next morning to see the surgeon. I worried about how she would be, not being able to see my face. But, with the pain medicine, she slept.
The words from the doctors this morning, were the kind of words that tear at your soul. "If she makes it through surgery" and "the mortality rate is very high the first year after surgery". My sadness is overwhelming. I want her to live, but she has so little life left in her, that, for her, passing would be a blessing.
So, we wait for surgery. It will not be tomorrow, because she needs to be taken off of her blood thinners. Maybe, Monday. Then six weeks of rehabilitation and then, more than likely, a nursing home.
My mother, does however, have a tendency to rebound. This could be a possibility. But, I also, need to face the fact, that I probably will not be able to care for her any longer. So, we will see.
So, very sad. There is a time for everything under Heaven. There are times when we walk in and out of seasons so cautiously. Barely noticing the passing of time. Then there are seasons, like this one, when you wish time would just stop and you would not see the end of this long winter.
Posted by Given55 at 7:17 PM
Friday, March 14, 2008
Yesterday, I went to another funeral. This time it was for a 21 year old man whom killed himself.
This was a free thinking young man. He was still searching for who he was to be when he took his own life. The funeral was packed. No place for many to sit. I watched as the youth filed in, with tears and dazed looks.
All of the young, that were his friends, came in together. Hair colored in an array of different hues. Their clothes making the statement, "I don't want to be like you." But, little do they know, they are like us. The thing, though, that is missing, is the living God.
This young man had been raised in the church and had no doubt that there was a God. He had in the last several years, though, begun to look for a different way of understanding God. So, I watched as three different preachers walked to the podium and spoke. The first, was a rather liberal Christian, no offense could ever be taken with what he was saying. The second, spoke truth, and offered salvation to those who listened. The third, was from a church called, "New Thought". He, spoke of a universe defined by oneness. This last church, was were this deceased young man had attending for the last few years.
God spoke to me throughout the funeral. He told me, "It is a crime, to take ones life." I thought on this a bit and realized that He was speaking of spiritual laws. That a spiritual law had been broken. But, then He said something remarkable, "but, the price has been paid." He left me with that one. I am not sure if He is talking of the price that Jesus paid or if another fine that we do not understand had been paid. We can all come under the understanding the suicide is wrong, but within the confines of the mind and that moment of weakness of that mind, God shows much mercy.
But, God showed me what happened to that young man. He showed me a crack in his spirit. The man had been born again, spirit filled, but then began to listen to the voice of the new age. A crack began to form. Being filled with light, his spirit began to crack and allow in darkness.
It started as a small crack, but then grew. The more it grew, the darker his spirit became. This darkness allowed demonic influences to infiltrate his spirit and he began a downward spiral.
We, Christians, speak of the light coming into the darkness. Illuminating the darkness. Bringing clarity into our lives. Exposing the darkness. This was in reverse. He knew the Lord, He had been filled with the Lord and yet, his flesh saw the world and wanted another way. This way let to his death. Death of spirit and death of life.
God told me, as I sat among the mourners, "Do not feed the crack". We need to be ever watchful of the health of our spirit. Searching ourselves daily for the beginning of a crack. Filling ourselves with the word of God. The sword of truth and knowledge. This is a war and keeping our eyes on God, we are assured of victory.
Posted by Given55 at 4:42 AM
Thursday, March 13, 2008
I'm excited!!! Can you tell?
I met with the team this week. What I seem to be doing, apparently through no effort of my own, is introducing them to each other one by one, So, this week, I brought another one to the meeting.
This one is very timid and quiet. Still in the, doubting whether she is hearing from God stage. I have been encouraging her. Only because God has assured me that she is hearing and is to be on the team.
Now, sitting together. talking were, Carmen, Belinda and Roseanna. Carmen is a prophetess, who has just come back from an addiction. Belinda, has clear visions and gets words of knowledge and Rosanna hears clearly from God. She is the timid one.
We sat at my table and talked about God and all shared about our giftings. Roseanne was having a difficult time. I would have to ask her a question to get her involved and then when she would answer, she would keep her head low or stare at her baby that was in her arms.
At one point, Carmen was sharing about problems she has been having when suddenly she gasp in the middle of a sentence and tears filled her eyes. The room changed and you could feel that God had made His presence know. Carmen said, "God just fell on me."
I asked her what was going on, because I heard nothing. I only could feel His presence. I noticed out of the corner of my eye, that Belinda reached over and took the baby from Roseanne's arms. So, I turned to Belinda and Roseanna and asked if they had anything to share.
That's when little, timid Roseanna raised her head and was obedient to the Lord. She said, "God is shouting that the time is now. Quit it." Again, she said "quit it". She went on. "God is really shouting. He is very loud. Shouting. He wants you to Quit it. It makes me want to shout."
The thing was, she was getting louder and did not realize it. Her voices was no longer timid. With every sentence is seemed to get a bit louder. She was making eye contact and was walking with God.
Carmen's was blessed. The words entered her heart and she knew what God was talking about. She told me later, that she wanted to weep, but that weeping was part of the "quit it" thing. That she had been feeling so sorry for herself that crying had become an everyday thing.
As soon as it was over, Roseanne went back into her timid self. Asking, "was that alright." When assured, she began to advise Carmen on what she had also, heard from God. But, had her head down and was uncomfortable.
Belinda, told me that she had taken the baby from Roseanne because she knew, from God, that this was Roseanne's time to minister. I, on the other hand, the fearless leader, heard and knew nothing, I only knew that we were being visited by God.
That would be because this group of women need to know, be assured, that they are hearing from God more than I do. I walk in confidence that I hear His voice and recognize Him.
It was awesome to watch God rise up in little, timid Roseanne and work out a problem for Carmen. It broke a strong hold in Carmen and she has been floating with God for the last couple of days. Feeling His presence and worshipping Him with her entire being.
So, at this meeting, God not only used these women to minister to each other, He ministered to them individually. Giving them reassurance that they are hearing from Him. Which brings confidence and obedience to His voice. I love watching God in action. It is much better to see Him while He is working than to have to wait for the final product of His work.
Next week, I will bring another on board. She too, is timid. It is fun to watch those timid ones, rise up like lions and then fold back up to lambs.
I have asked another women to come on board. She is prophetic, but that is not my reason for asking her to come on board. We, all of us that will be on this team, need a...well....mother. Someone that will keep us in line. Will keep us accountable and focused. Even though, I am the oldest, I can be rather juvenile. I see the world as a big playground and I tend to want to just have fun. Fun.... whenever I can and this playfulness seems to really kick in when the team is together. I am not the only one amongst the team who is this way. So, we need a mother and I have asked Angela to be our mother.
We are growing and having fun. God is moving and growing us up. Soon, we will be ministering to the church and God's glory will shine.
Posted by Given55 at 4:19 AM
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
I got a comment yesterday that read "Peace be with the moderator, as well as those reading this message.(if this is not censored :-)
The time has come.
I am here to bring judgment to the living and the dead. The harvest is ripe. Pass this message on to fellow believers.
There is 'love'and 'hate', then there is love.
The Faithful Witness
I of course, became inquisitive about this fellow, so I followed his link. After reading his site, I asked him a question. "Duke,
I am confused. I read quit a bit of your site and I have one question ...well, one obvious question.
Are you saying that you are Christ?"
I see nothing good in what is going on with Dude. A friend wrote about him:
Greetings Sister Cindy,
I did not have a "peace" to check out Duke's web site. I will pray. It sounds like he is claiming to be one of the two witnesses of the end times. We need to be careful. . . there is judgement waiting for anyone who "adds to or takes away from the holy scriptures, the Bible."
Revelation 22:18-19: "For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book,"If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book: And if any man shall take away from the words of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book." " (A serious judgement, extremely serious. Duke, be careful and be warned."
While in prayer, God started revealing things to me. God said to me, "Dude is just more open about his sense of superiority and loftiness over man. Most of the world has lifted themselves above me."
God told me once, that there are many out there that have not His beauty. We are in a time when we are seeing evil swarm, false prophets gain in stature, and a whole world that sees themselves as God's. As my friend says, "be warned." The time is close at hand when God's judgment will fall and those who call themselves god will face the one and only true God. The Maker of the Universe.
Posted by Given55 at 7:03 AM
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
I was reminded, last night, of the importance of visualization. So I want to share with you, dear reader, how I use to take people to a place where they would encounter God.
Let me set up a scene for you. I was asked to help out at a rally. This rally was disguised as a secular event. There were exhibits from famous skate boarders, bicyclists, strong men and other athletes. All were Christian. It was a three day rally held in our Coliseum and it was packed all three days.
After the show was done, many of the participants spoke of their faith. Then they called the audience to Christ. That is when my job kicked in. I was among hundreds who would be on the floor of the coliseum to witness and lead the people to Christ.
It was a bit overwhelming. In three days 5,000 received Christ. We brought them to Christ, then took them, in a group, to a back room There we got information from them, that was sent to their local church, who would contact them with follow-up.
So, here I am standing in the middle of all these hungry people. What to do? I spoke to God, "So many people. Give me the right words." What I ended up doing was taking each person I spoke to, through a visualization. First, I would ask them if they thought in pictures. If they did, I would have them close their eyes. Then ask them to picture the throne of God.
"Do you see God sitting on the throne?" I would ask. They always would say "yes". Then I would tell them to see themselves standing in front of the throne holding the hand of Christ. When this was done. The next step, was for them to see that underneath the throne of God, a great wave was coming towards them. I would tell them that this wave was the Holy Spirit. "Do not be afraid of the wave, you are holding the hand of Christ and He is with you always." "The wave of the Holy Spirit is coming towards you. Getting larger and you feel the peace of God." Then I would say that the wave has engulfed you and Jesus.
The response at this point was different with each individual, but also, similar. They were lost in the Spirit. Meeting God in a new and powerful way. Some would drop to the floor, some would sway and cry. Many grinned and laughed with joy. Other could not move nor speak.
It was wonderful. Every time I did this, I too, felt what the Spirit was doing. This visualization helped those who were meeting God for the first time, meet Him in a tangible way.
There are those who would say that visualization is wrong. But, if you are like me and can not help but visualize everything, then my whole life is wrong. Visualization is nothing more than meditation and meditation on God is a wonderful thing. It can bring you right into the throne room. If I meditate and visualize on God, my intimacy grows. God meets me there in that place of my spirit. I see Him and He meets me.
Father, I offer up a prayer, for a friend.
You know who he is and hold him dear. I thank you Lord, for him. He has served you and brought your Spirit to the temples of your people. How wonderful is his spirit.
You Father, hold his healing in Your hand. A power that is not only great but merciful.
I pray that, that healing power fall.....fall on my friend.....NOW. I command any assignment that has been placed on him, by the evil one, to be broken, in the name of Jesus Christ. Those assignments are broken...NOW. And, I thank you God, for that.
Praise your Name, Oh Holy One. For you are merciful and all your promises are fulfilled.
I command healing to enter into the body of my friend. Nothing....I mean NOTHING!!! That is not of God, can remain in him. He is healed, in the name of Jesus. HEALED!!!!
I pray God's mercy over him, right now.
Thank you, God. More of you, Father. Pour yourself upon him, let your presence be known.
I pray healing into every ligament, tendons, muscle, bone, cell....NOTHING, is left undone. NOTHING!!!!
You, oh God, hold His healing in your hand and I thank you God that we can call upon you and know that You hear us and always answer our plea. We call upon your promises of healing and walk into the fullness of that healing.
Praise be to the Living God. The Eternal One. The Alpha and the Omega. My Strong Tower.
So Be It.
Posted by Given55 at 5:55 AM
Monday, March 10, 2008
There is something happening in the spirit realm. There is a change coming. God is moving and so is the evil one. A shift is happening that is not good for those of us on this earth. Especially, those who are ignorant to the things of God.
We who know God, hang on to the truth. The truth being the Word of God. We hold on and watch as the things of God unfold in front of us. But, what of your brother or sister. Do you sit on the bus, subway, airplane and hold to yourself, the things of God. Is it right to neglect sharing what God has done for you or that time is short.
Things are going to change. Nothing is stable right now. Time is short. It is as Job. Turned over to the evil one, this earth will become fire.
Do not be afraid of what you are about to suffer. I tell you, the devil will put some of you in prison to test you, and you will suffer persecution for ten days. Be faithful, even to the point of death, and I will give you the crown of life.
I am telling you, the time in NOW. All of us, are about to step into the fight. It is not a matter of the future. It is NOW. Do you not feel it? Do you not sense it? If not, then read it in Revelation. There is a shift that has begun in the spirit realm that is taking us into the place of great tribulation. But, great is the hand of God. We know the end of the story and need to hold on to the truth.
I do not want to sit on the bus, subway nor airplane and not tell my brother or sister sitting next to me the truth. I will not be ashamed of my God. I will share my faith. Do I want to blood of that person on my hands. NO!!! Time to share, time to bleed.
Do not sit back and watch as the battle is fought, fight for the souls that will be lost. Populate the Kingdom of God. Turn yourself over to the Father and let Him work through you. Leave nothing undone.
We go to work, we barbeque, we go to church on Sunday, we play with our kids, we watch T.V. and all the while, in the spirit realm a change is taking place. This change is bringing misery to this earth and we need to be prepared for battle. The battle of the spirit.
Posted by Given55 at 6:21 AM
Friday, March 7, 2008
Christian Sensitive’s felt it yesterday. I am not alone. I spoke with another Sensitive last night and she felt the same thing. Yesterday morning, I was having coffee with my son. We had stepped outside, when I felt it. I said to him, "I can feel evil in the air." Of course, my poor children, they know me and just go with the flow. I told him I needed to step back in side because I was so uncomfortable.
Romans 8:15 New International Version (NIV) For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."
Praise God, I did not go into fear. But, I was so very uncomfortable. Knowing that, for some reason, the presence of evil was stronger than usual. That is when you know, that you should go into prayer. So, I prayed. Not knowing what to specifically pray about, I prayed protection over the city, and against the schemes of the evil one. My foreboding continued into the day. I watched the news for a while. It was overwhelming with tragedy. Was it worse than usual? It sure seemed to be. So, I prayed harder.
Then my phone began to ring. The caller told me that he was on the way to the hospital to be with a mutual friend. This, mutual friends son had shot himself in the head yesterday morning. I felt sick to my stomach. He was on life support...brain dead. There are no words to describe the multitude of feelings that were now flowing through me. The evil remained in the air, but it was compounded with grief.
I continued in prayer.
The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, [a] I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
Again, the phone rang. Another friend, but this time it was about her own family. Her mother only has one lung. She had been taken to the hospital last week, not able to breath. The doctors found a tumor the size of a grape in her remaining lung. When they went to biopsy it, the next day, it had grown to the size of a lemon. The biopsy showed that it was cancer. When they looked at the tumor again, three days later, it had grown all the way across her lung. She will pass on to the Lord very soon. I was broken for my friend and feeling the weight of evil.
I participate in the world but, "I am not of the world." John 17:16. I am but a spirit passing through. Feeling and watching, the evil of this world, move across the land, is not what I thought was on my agenda. But, there it was. Evil.
This is the second time that I have experienced this evil in the air. The other time was, but only, a few months back. Why? I believe that we, this human race, are sinking deeper into the schemes of the evil one. Blinded by our pride, arrogance, lust and greed, we set ourselves above God and ignore the signs of the times. It certainly looks like and feels like, time is short and evil is growing stronger. So if it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, should not we decide it is a duck.
If time is short, what are you doing in your life to prepare. Are you still skimming the shallows of your relationship with Christ. If you are, you are weak. And in your weakness, evil will suck you into the abyss of his palace without you blinking an eye.
Posted by Given55 at 6:24 AM
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Since Sunday I have been pondering "why". Why do we not get it? Why do we sit in church, listen to the sermon and it make little impact on the way we see, hear and interact with God.
This morning this "why" is laying heavy on my heart. I feel the grief of the Holy Spirit over the lack of intimacy with His people. This "why" has been building in me and this morning several things have made it more intense.
I got an email from a friend, who seems to have come to feel the same "why". She wrote, "God certainly blessed you with a timely vision. Perhaps we need to pray for churches and leadership to teach about the gifts of the Holy Spirit. If they would bind the spirit of fear and let God out of the box, we would see more signs and wonders. God wants to bless our socks off--so we need to stop wondering how He does it or who he uses. It's a matter of trust and yielding to the Holy Spirit."
She speaks of my vision Sunday morning and the pastor's interpretation. This event Sunday has certainly added to my "why". I sat there and watched as the Spirit of God fell on the church in His awesome glory. But, also, watched as many did not recognize the Spirit of God. They had no idea that God was visiting that place. Are they not expecting, are they void of relationship with the Father, are they blind?
I have seen many teachings on the gifts of the Spirit, but little movement. I agree with my friend, that it needs to be done more, but, even then something in the teaching is missing. Connection is missing. There in lies the problem, how to teach people to connect.
The Analyst, wrote today, on his blog, "Which Jesus will you Follow". His post, again, brought back to me, the grief the Holy Spirit is feeling over the lack of intimacy with His people. The Analyst asks, do you follow the safe Jesus or do the follow the Jesus that brings you to your knees. His post, brought to my mind, the fact that some people do not know there is a difference. For many, God is confined to the Bible, a set of rules and regulations and a piece of life, but not the totality of life.
Making that choice of "which Jesus to follow" should be looked at by everyone. But, following the Jesus that would cause you to fall to your knees would bring sacrifice. One would have to give up control and walk in obedience. For myself, I know that I truly have no control, so giving it up is a no brainer.
As my friend wrote in her email, "fear". Fear, fear, fear.
Too many of us have chosen to follow the safe Jesus because of our fears. Fear of looking foolish and fear of what God may ask of us. This fear causes us to miss what God has for us and in that, to miss the glory of God. The intimacy of God. The movement of God. The healing of God. The mysteries of God. GOD Himself.
So, I pray against a spirit of fear and a spirit of pride that lays so heavily on this country. It robs us of our God. These spirits have become so familiar to us that it would take a lot of discomfort to walk away from them. But, follow Jesus is not always comfortable. But, it is always peaceful.
Posted by Given55 at 4:59 AM
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
This past weekend, I was asked to meet with a man that has been suffering for many years with alcoholism and reportedly demons. His alcoholism is so bad, that he has had the highest documented level of alcohol in his system, in the state of Kansas. When this was recorded he was still awake and driving.
He suffers from no ill affect from the alcohol. No liver, brain, stomach nor any other side affect. He does, however, suffer from the loss of work and relationships. With the emotional toll being the worse.
I sat with him this weekend and talked for a couple of hours. He stated he was drunk, but I sure could not tell. I believe that he has to have a certain amount of alcohol in his system to be able to function at a level of normalcy. Where for the majority of people, well... we would be past out. He had a tendency to just blurt out sentences that were completely off the subject. So our conversation was convoluted, to say the least.
Because of my back ground in working with the severely mentally ill, I immediately felt that he was suffering from schizoid affective disorder. He could have been self medicating all this time. But, that was my look at him in the natural. It does not mean he does not have a demon.
As we talked, he would manifest different personalities or characteristics. His brown eyes would turn black and shoot evil looks at me. But, then the next minute, his eyes would become soft and even though he was sitting upright in a chair, he would pull up towards a fetal position and act like a child.
His dreams are horrible. Demonic in character. He is a tormented soul. I felt God's sorrow for him. But, what to do. It was not the time to address deliverance. He needs to be sober and willing. Those things, and there are many, inside of him kept trying to get him to leave. There were a few times when he got up and put on his coat to leave. But, his ride would not take him out the door, so he would sit back down for a while, but it would happen again within minutes. Again, he needs to be willing.
There is quit the fight going on inside of him. Now, he has been sober since Sunday. I wanted him to go into the hospital to withdraw, but he stayed home with a friend. He told this friend that his withdraws are not as bad as usual. "That lady, (meaning me) must have got rid of some of my demons." is what he thinks. I believe it is God saving him from himself.
My point in telling you, my dear reader, all this is to share that this man's main demon, I believe, came to him disguised as God. At 13 years of age, he had become very frightened. He laid under his blankets afraid of the dark. He had just watched the "Exorcist" and was terrified. He called for help into the spirit realm. Not really knowing God, he just called. He explains that a great peace came to him and he finally slept. He remained in this peace for a few days and then became a ‘very bad child” and even started to drink at 13.
I know, in my spirit, that it was not God that came to him that night. There lies the challenge. The boy gave a legal right to this demon to be in his life. Now, to get him to understand what he did and that it was not God.
I am waiting for him to get through his withdrawals and then we will meet again. This is his time of deliverance. A great battle for his spirit is about to take place. God is already the champion .....deliverance is at hand.
Posted by Given55 at 5:20 AM
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
I have said before, that when God wants a job done, He will get a job done.
A few months back, God had told me to give my pastor the post I wrote called "Peculiar". It is not a real impressive post, but He wanted me to give it to him. I spoke to my pastor about this Godly request and I think because of the inquisitive look on his face and my reluctance to step out anymore, I never did give it to him.
This Sunday, at church, while worshiping, I was taken into a vision. I could have missed, it if I had not paid attention. When I first noticed what was happening, it looked like I was seeing a cocoon. I wondered at why I was seeing a cocoon, but then I decided I was looking at a horn-of -plenty. Now, I am wondering why I am seeing a horn-of-plenty.
The picture became broader and I could see more. The shape of what I was seeing became clearer. It did have the shape of a horn-of-plenty, but was huge and in the heavenlies. It was an opening to the Spirit of God. As if to say the Spirit of God is a place to enter. The opening of this place was large, huge and round. All around were massive swirls of clouds, stationary in time.
On the very top of the opening sat my church. I could see the building and the people going to and fro from the church. The church looked very small compared to the rest of the vision. I suddenly saw a hand come out of the opening and grab at the air and then disappear back into the opening. The hand looked like it was made up of the same swirling clouds as the rest of the vision. It came out again and this time grabbed at the bottom of the opening.
Then I heard God's voice. "Because the church has put themselves above Me, with their pride and arrogance, I can not reach them to bring the to the full consumption of the Holy Spirit".
The vision then stopped. I had been standing worshipping. I sat down and wrote out the vision. Now, what to do. But, before I could think any further, I was standing in front of my pastor with my description of the vision in hand. I told him what I had seen and he kept shaking his head "yes'. Then he smile and said, "that is what I'm preaching on today."
I was relived. A good confirmation to begin breaking my hesitancy over such things. I went back to my seat. The sermon was wonderful. I was very engaged in what was being said. There came a point, however, when pastor said something that took me into deep thought. While there in my thoughts, I heard pastor say, "someone brought to my attention a vision that they had this morning." He began to read the vision.
Then he said, "I know what this means." This took me by surprise because I thought it was pretty obvious what it meant. But, when he spoke remarkable things began to happen in the spirit realm.
First let me tell you what he said. He related to the congregation their pride kept them from walking into the Spirit of God because they were afraid that they might look silly. They were afraid that God may have them act in a way that others would find odd and for this they were not willing.
There it was "Peculiar". I had not gave pastor the post on "Peculiar" but, God had got the work done anyway. Awesome.
When pastor said these things, the air in the room became think. A silence fell in the spirit realm that I had never experienced before. It was as if the heavenlies were saying, "Quiet, God is speaking." Absolute stillness fell and I could see God's Spirit fall on to my pastor while he spoke.
A women, in back of me, began to weep uncontrollably and people started to make their way to the altar. I did not see or hear anymore because I made my way back to the woman that was crying and ministered to her.
It was incredible. The movement of God was strong and so moving. But, I still see those who miss the mark. It leaves me bewildered how God can come into a room and some not notice. What a loss.
I can only thank God for what He did Sunday. To watch Him move in His glory, and to free a people from their earthly restraints was wonderful. I was and am blessed.
Posted by Given55 at 4:32 AM