So Very Sad

I was sitting on my couch crocheting when I heard an unusual sound. I looked up, just in time, to see my mother complete her fall onto my hardwood floor. The sound of her landing was loud, hard and frightening. I knew, at that very moment, that her hip was broken.

Friday night, we sent for an ambulance. They took my mother away to the hospital. When I arrived at the hospital, it was so overcrowded, that she had a bed in the hall. Her pain was severe and I could do little to help her.

She feels grounded, when she is looking at me. For the last few months, I would look up and there she would be, just staring at me. Her mind lost in the blur of Alzheimer's, no telling what she would be thinking. So, at the hospital, I made sure she could see me at all times.

Finally, the verdict. A broken hip. She was admitted and we went on home. We needed to be there early the next morning to see the surgeon. I worried about how she would be, not being able to see my face. But, with the pain medicine, she slept.

The words from the doctors this morning, were the kind of words that tear at your soul. "If she makes it through surgery" and "the mortality rate is very high the first year after surgery". My sadness is overwhelming. I want her to live, but she has so little life left in her, that, for her, passing would be a blessing.

So, we wait for surgery. It will not be tomorrow, because she needs to be taken off of her blood thinners. Maybe, Monday. Then six weeks of rehabilitation and then, more than likely, a nursing home.

My mother, does however, have a tendency to rebound. This could be a possibility. But, I also, need to face the fact, that I probably will not be able to care for her any longer. So, we will see.

So, very sad. There is a time for everything under Heaven. There are times when we walk in and out of seasons so cautiously. Barely noticing the passing of time. Then there are seasons, like this one, when you wish time would just stop and you would not see the end of this long winter.