Friday, December 14, 2007

My Inner Healing

God has healed me physically and spiritually. I knew of the physical. It is obvious, I had Lupus, I was dying, I am now healed. But, the spiritual, I have overlooked that, because of my stinking thinking.

A few years back my husband and I spent a week at a seminar with Randy Clark. The last day of the seminar was spent with Francis and Judith MacNutt. Judith Macnutt taught on inner healing. Now, in my counseling practice I have performed many Inner Healing's. But, never considered having one for myself. I felt that when I came to God I was healed from all my spiritual wounds. I was totally taken aback by what happened at this seminar.

Judith ask us to close our eyes and she began to guide us towards healing. I suddenly was in a vision. I was in a cave. It was long and had a shelf carved into the side of it. As I stood there a cage came sliding down that shelf and when it stopped I saw that my oldest brother was in the cage. Then another cage flew in with another brother. Then my mother and then my father. All were on the shelf, lined up in cages.

Jesus was standing beside me. I ask Him, "why are they in cages?" He answered with, "You put them there with your unforgiveness." Dear reader, this comment from God caused me to start weeping in the natural. I felt so horrible that I not only was depriving myself from the fullness of God, but I knew that I was also responsible for not setting my family free. I was in a room with 300 people, but, I was inconsolable. I wept loudly.

In the vision, I walked over to my oldest brothers cage and opened it. I took his hand and helped him out. I spoke to him, forgiving him for the things known and unknown that he had done to me and I asked him to forgive me for the same. I then walked to each cage and repeated this forgiveness. With my mother, I got specific. Forgiving her for the brutality of my childhood.

When I had finished, I walked back to Jesus. He picked me up into His arms. I noticed that I was in a white dress and black Pattin leather shoes, as if I were a little girl again. He held me tight. I looked down at my family. They looked very, very small. I asked Jesus, "Why are they so little?" He said, "That monster that lived inside of you, is of no significance any longer." Now, I'm wailing in the natural. I have no idea if anyone else in the seminar was healed that night, but, they all know that I was healed.

God in His mercy healed me that night. But, my stinking thinking continued. At least with my mother. I did not catch every taught to the obedience of God. I would not allow myself to walk in my healing over her.

Oh Pretty Lady was right in her comment about my post "walking the line between flesh and forgiveness". My mothers staying with my is about the healing between mother and daughter. You see the last few days, I have realized that my mother is dieing. She has quit eating, but I make her eat. She has quit asking for her precious cup of hot tea, but I make it for her anyways. She has become listless and sleeps in the rocking chair all day. The Alzheimer is taking her life.

Yesterday, when I realized she was going, I broke down. My thinking about her changed. I do not want to lose my mother. The last few months I have had the mother that I should of had when I was a child. She tells me she loves me, which I had never heard before. I would tell her I love her back, but, feel that I did not mean it. Now, I say it and know that I mean it. I feel no disgust nor anger in myself any longer towards her. I finally have my mother. God is great.

Thank you Holy Father for what you have done. For giving me this time with my mother to understand my healing is complete and to be able to love on her the way she needs to be loved on.