Walking the line between flesh & forgiveness

I hope this helps someone. God wants me to write about this to reach someone. Maybe it will even help me.

I live and care for my childhood perpetrator. Not only did this person harm me, but, allowed others to harm me. The abuse was such that you read about in the paper today. But, in those days childhood abuse was rarely approached. The abuse perpetrated on myself was sexual, physical & emotional. To the extent that I was made to eat my own feces. My most significant abuser was my mother.

She now has Alzheimer's & has lost the capability to abuse. She now tries to be the mother that God meant her to be. Then, again, maybe this is her abuse. My decision to move her in was based on, "would I want to go to a nursing home". Well, I think that was it. Also, there was the "Honor thy mother & father" command in the Bible.

Forgive? I believe I have forgiven. But, now & then, I feel resentment & anger. These feelings do not feel like they are built on the past, but, more like the present. My erroneous thought is that "you took away my childhood, now, you are taking away my adult life". I was wrong, these feelings are build upon from the past. So, forgive but not forget. Always the struggle for the Christian.

I have told myself that my decision to move her in was to show her honor. I know that I was trying to honor her. I spoke to a pastor about this situation & his thought was that I was to honorable. I don't know how you can be to honorable. He didn't help much. So I kept going looking for my true motives.

One day she came to me crying. She said that she remembered that her brother had molested her as a child. My mind flashed in an incident between her & I years before. She had told me then that when I was seven years old, she had found semen in my underwear. When I asked her what she had done about this she said" nothing." "Brother will be brothers". This allowed the abuse to continue. So, here she is in front of me with the same issue and wanting me to comfort her. Catch every thought to the obedience of God, I thought. I told her I was sorry (even though I wasn't feeling that) & to forgive him.

She became a Christian when I was 18 years old. I had gone to prison for a short time & she sought God for answers. Her behavior did change a bit, but, absolutely no searching of self. She does not see her own wrongs or seek forgiveness. So, I have concerns about her salvation (read posting: Forgiveness). I have tried to go there with her, but, she denies her part in my abuse.

So, what to do with all these feelings & thoughts. We are not to be led by our feelings. They lie to us. I know that I have forgiven her. So, my feelings that come up are a lie from Satan. I respond to these feelings with "I forgave her & forgive daily. I will not fall for your lie." If we fall under the belief that I truly have not forgiven then I will go into depression & hopelessness over my situation. The lie says, you can never forgive. God knows that it is hard to forgive, but, the Bible does not say that it is impossible. Only Satan can put those doubts in your head.

Looking at my motives. They are a bit questionable. I still search for the answer. My flesh & Satan say it is to show her I'm better than her. This is such a negative thought & not in my character, that I doubt this to be true. Honoring? I know that this is in my heart. But, why? The answer is that my heart as been taken over by the Lord Jesus Christ. Whom in His glory sees the goodness in His children. He does not want one to be lost & would care for the most ugly among us. His heart is within me, even though my flesh likes to pop up now & then & say "This is foolish". I continue to catch those thoughts & walk forward in the path of my God.

Thank you for letting me ramble about this & I hope & pray that those who need this are reading. It certainly has helped me. I now understand my motives. To be has much like Jesus as I can & to show His love.