Saturday, October 6, 2007

I was an Atheist

Yes, I was an atheist.

My mother sent me to church when I was a child, but it didn't take very well. When I was in t
5th grade I asked my dad if it were better to be a good atheist or a bad Christian & he told me a bad Christian. This did not calculate in my tiny brain.

I can't remember much of my childhood because I was abused sexually, physically & emotionally. I use to think I could not be whole if I did not remember the past. But, God has shown me different & why would I ever want to remember those things anyways. God has healed me from the past and that is what matters.

Because of my lack of memory, I can't remember when I started to truly see into the spirit realm. The first thing I remember is waking up & seeing my grandfather standing at the end of my bed. He lived in Indiana & I was in California. I didn't speak to him, but, instead turned over. A minute or two later my mother came in to tell me he had died in Indiana. I didn't tell her what I had seen. My mother was a cruel woman & would of, more than likely punished me.

I couldn't believe in a kind & loving God. There seemed to be nothing kind nor loving about this world. So, I chose to believe that we are energy & that when we died we were absorbed back into the universe. My answer to why I saw things, was that my brain was misfiring. I, also, learned how to turn off these events in my life.

My life was all over the place. I tried everything. But, nothing brought me peace. I, however, was proud to be an atheist. A good atheist. I would argue my point with Christians & think that they were weak minded individuals. I stood up for abortion & declared Christians as fearful, angry, hateful people. Never realizing what a closed mind I had.

I was blaming God for the harm put on me as a child. Those who abused me claimed Jesus as their Savior. I never questioned that they were not walking in the true steps of the Living God. I was blinded by my pain.

I know now, that to be truly saved is to repent. To turn your back on your sin & to walk against the flow. I'm always amazed at those who believe they are different from the majority. They have no idea what it truly takes to be different. To swim up stream, to take the persecution, to live as if you are not of this world.

I have been in training all of these years to be strong enough to stand up against the majority. All the past is being used by God to bring light to the world. To heal & save the loss. I have no regrets over the things of my past. No anger, no pain. I have forgiven and moved on to the Glory of God. It is only through Him that I no longer live a life all over the place. I know the truth and the truth has set me free.

I really do not think there is much of a difference between a bad Christian & a good atheist. Both are in trouble spiritually & both have the same opportunity for change.