Memories

You have all been so kind to me in this hour. A season that I must go through to be healed. The strangest thing about this state of mind, that I am in, is that I have started getting memories back of my childhood.

I have disassociated from my memories as a child. My childhood was full of trauma so my mind just took itself out of the picture. So, I have no memories.

In the past I wrote a post about my childhood and shared that my mother was one of my perpetrators. She was out of her mind with anger when I was a child. Not suited to be a parent. The abuse was total...emotional, physical and from someone else, sexual.

I tried, years ago, to get my memories back. I work hard at retrieving those memories, but nothing came and I became afraid that I would start making memories up. So I decided that it was better to not remember. My thinking became "why would I want to go through it twice".

God has given us a great gift in disassociation. It protects us from an overload of abuse and keeps us sane. The deeper the disassociation the more likely that the abuse was horrific. I had two memories and they were not go good.

So, in my depression I have started to remember my youth. Not bad memories, which I am grateful for, but just memories. My brother and I were looking at a family portrait and he asked why he was not in the picture. I just blurted out "you were working". I looked at him and asked if he used to work at the little grocery store by our house. He told me he did. I was amazed and happy. I can not relay to you what it meant to me to remember.

Since then I have had numerous memories come up. I asked my brother, "do you think it is safe for me to remember now that mom is gone?"

Could this be? There are things that I do not want to remember. But, I would like to remember the good things. The everyday common things. Those happy moments. My dad.

In the five years that I took care of my mother, before her death, I went through a season of "why am I doing this". Why would you take care of someone who so totally abused you? I suppose I was trying to make up for being such a bad child. Of course I was not a bad child. But, I now wonder if that was not what my subconscious was thinking. It really does not matter why I did it and I would not take back those five years. I am glad I did it because, I got to resolve issues within myself and enjoy the mother I was suppose to have. She had mellowed in those last few years. So, I am grateful that I had that time.

I do not believe that my depression is from my childhood either. I have forgiven my mother and anyone else that abused me. That is not an issue. I do have regrets about the way I took care of her. I feel I could have done a better job. But, that is now past and I must look towards the future and get on with life. Time I believe will take care of my depression. With prayer and meditation on God I will get through.

But, it looks like I will get through with childhood memories. I like what I have remembered so far. It is a joy to recall the happy moments or just the mundane moments. I have a past and it is coming back to me.

Lost

I have found a dark pit. It seems endless with no escape. Time has stopped and my senses have gone to high alert. My senses, however, have begun to lie to me and reality as become vague. I have never been in such a place before and did not recognize it till yesterday. Now that I know what has happened to me I must fight my way out of the dark place that I have moved into.

Yesterday, a friend went with me to see my doctor. When the nurse called me back, my friend jumped up and went in with me. I was a bit surprise that she would want to go into the examining room with me, but it was ok. As soon as the doctor opened the door, I started to cry. I could not give a reason for the tears, but my friend did. She told the doctor that I was depressed.

I just looked at her. I had no response, so I listened to what she was saying. Sure enough while she spoke I realized she was right. I had missed it. If it had been someone else, I would have recognized what was going on and helped that person, but I did not recognize it in myself.

I thank God that my friend went with me yesterday, because I was in a bad and dangerous place. I was close to the point were I would not have been able to move anymore. I was shutting down.

Apparently starting when my mother died, I slowly was slipping into the dark recesses of my mind. My thoughts had become morbid and dark. My behavior withdrawn. My relationship with God diminishing. My contact with the outside world ...on hold. I could not move any longer. I quit answering the phone and even listening to my messages. I did not respond to my emails and have turned off my instant message. I only went out when I had to..like helping deliver the baby and only talked to people that caught me.

Yesterday, was the first time that I cried hard over my mothers death. It seems like there has never been time to really let it out. I, of course, did not even realize that I needed to do this. I am the one who always take care of others and not myself.

I have, over the last two months, kept busy with plans and activities, but have finally gotten to the point where I can not do anything any more. I am frozen in time and place. If not for my dear friend, I would have continued to fall deeper into the dark pit and let go of everything I hold dear. But, today, I know the problem and feel some relief that I can come back to life.

I have never suffered with depression before. I have always been able to let things go and move on. This, apparently is not something I can shrug off. I was in trouble. I have never done grief counseling and am not sure where to start. Time, I am sure, will take care of things, but I do wonder why this is so much harder than my father or anyone else's death. I am assuming that part of it is the reality of my own mortality. Death has become a focus of my mind.

For some reason, I keep writing the blog. It has not been very good and certainly not very supernatural, but I keep writing. The really remarkable thing is that God continues to use me. I can be feeling like dirt and someone will come to me for spiritual guidance and the Lord will take over me and minister to the person. But, as soon as it is over, I slip back into my dark pit. I have not shared with anyone, not even my husband, what has been happening to me. Not wanting to talk, I have kept it all to myself. I just kept slipping further away from life.

So, in my fight back, I will focus on my hope. My God and Creator. I think of David and his bouts with depression and know, through reading the gospels, that I too will find victory. I shared last night with two women from my community group what was happening to me. One stayed for hours afterwards and just sat with me. It was good to talk and try to sort things out. God, always, sends people to listen and console.

I am hoping that this is not like loosing weight. So easy to put it on and so hard to take it off. But, I am a victor and find my strength in the Lord.

Baby Update

Little Pearce is doing better. He has a "leak" in his heart, that should take care of itself. They could no reason for him not using his arm, it is now down to not moving one arm. But, there has been some movement and the doctors feel that with therapy he will probably be able to eventually use his arm.

He is breathing on his own and has gained weight. Mom and baby came home together yesterday.

As for mom, she is better as well. Women, especially her mother, have been mimicking for her, what bonding would look like. Caring for the child, in front of her, has if he were their own. Her mother called me last night and said that all the prayer and help from others as caused a huge difference. She praises God for the change as do I.

So many prayers for this little guy. The prayers went up for his healing and for his relationship with his mother. The prayers fell on God's ear and change began. I must confess that I did not expect such a change. My lack of faith reared its head. But, grandma did not loose faith and she was specific in what she wanted and God gave her her hearts desire.

Grandma continue to work with her daughter and continues to pray. God continues to amaze me and I am grateful for His ways.

Dogs and Sin

I seem to collect dogs, even though I do not have one. Even though I live in the middle of a city, my backyard is a small woods leading to a park. People dump their dogs in the woods and for some reason they, the dogs, park themselves on my porch. Not my neighbors porches, just mine.

This week we had the ugliest dog I have ever seen arrive. She was a pit mix, but, was a sweet dog. Very kind and became very loyal to my porch. Not wanting to let anyone visit me. I liked her, but could not keep her, so she is at the Humane Society now. I can only pray that she will be adopted.

That aside, I have wanted a dog for quit a while now. My husband does not want to have a dog and so I submit to his will and just continue to want. In my scheming ways, I thought I had come up with a way to break my husbands will.

My oldest son has left his dog with friends here in town. Those friends are moving to Texas, so the dog needs to be cared for elsewhere. This dog is great. Everyone loves this dog. So, I thought here is my opportunity. I will care for "buckets" for a few days, my husband will fall in love with her and I will have my dog.

Now, Buckets is not a small dog. She is some kind of bull terrier with mastiff in her. Weight...oh, probably 100. She is black and beautiful. So friendly, obedient and loyal. So, while my husband was at work, I went and got her.

Ever notice how our sin starts out in the dark. No one seems to notice including ourselves. We see it as a nonevent. Something good. "It won't hurt anyone." We rationalize the dark and try to bring it into the light.

I bought some food for Buckets and a leash. We came home and I took her for a walk. Buckets likes water. So, when I walked towards the river, she decided to walk me into the water. I dug my heels into the dirt and said "NO". She pulled, I pulled. I sat on the ground and yelled "sit". Down she went. So, there we sat.

"Let's go this way." I said. She relinquished, but pulled me along. I guided her, the best I could, to a pool of water in the park. In she went. Not willing to let go of the leash, I am not bend over the water laughing at the situation, praying please don't let me go in.

Our sins pull us every which direction. The sin may pull us into what we consider a wrong direction and we in our naivety think that we have control when we say "no" to that direction, but then we allow the direction to go in a way that does not feel quit as bad. We rationalize that this is not so bad and sit down with our sin.

My hands were red from Buckets pulling so hard. At the pond, while swimming in a limited space, she picks up a log, not a stick, a log. She swims to me and presents me with her gift. Grateful and happy to have such a great dog, I am full of joy. What a great dog.

Sins always bring pleasure. Feel goods that continue to tell us "it is ok". No harm, no foul.

We head home. Cars pass us and head turns. Buckets draws attention. Her stature and beauty is noticed by everyone, but no one approaches us, she is a good dog. She take me right home. She already knows where she lives, such a smart dog. We go into the house. I keep her on the leash, not wanting my cat to be attacked.

We tend to think that we have control of our sin. As our sin starts to get control of us though, we tend to make it ours and not let it begin to infect others. Because, as that thing grows in us, we start to have to acknowledge that it is in fact sin. So, we try to keep a tight reign on it and try to give ourselves some sense of control. But, we are actually out of control.

Dog meets cat. Barking ensues and cat runs for his life. "No". Dog sits down. Cat is hiding. I think, what a good dog.

Me and my new dog decided to go outside and play. We have a great time. I throw a ball and she jumps up and catches it in mid air. She does not want to stop. I sit down and throw the ball. She brings it back to me and lays it in my lap. She just does not stop. Over and over again with the ball. She never tires. "Lets go back in the house."

Dog meets cat. Barking ensues and cat runs for his life. "No." Dog sits down. Cat is hiding. I think, what a good dog.

Our sin begins to wear us out. But, we continue to believe that we will be ok. It is what I want. No harm. I can do this. It will not be a problem.

Another walk. I enjoyed her so much the first walk, with my red hands and watered down shoes. Why not. So, off we go. I avoided the river and we headed straight for the pool. Oh, no. DUCKS... Never letting go of the leash, off we went. Ducks take off. We take off. I stop of the edge of the water, while Buckets go for a dive. Out of breath I think "that was a close one." But, I still have control here and we are doing well. Not a problem.

I want to head home. Buckets has other ideas. So, we stroll around till Buckets decides it is time to go home. Ok, so I don't have control, I still have a dog.

Eventually, in our sin, we do finally, completely lose control. We begin to crash and loose site of what is truly important. We begin to loose site of what it is that God wants and in our sin we loose the desire to please God. We becomes so selfish we only covet our sin.

Buckets takes me home. I am tired. My husband is now home. "That's one big dog", is his only response. He knows my plan. I am trying to break him down to my way of thinking. Why can't he just think like me. Why does he have to be so stubborn and just let me have my way.

So, we argue with God about our sin. Why is this so important to you. It is just a small thing. Come on, it will not hurt anyone.

Buckets spent the night with us. She stayed in a room in the basement and barked all night. She would not relent. She wanted to be with me. So loyal to the hand that feeds her. My cat slept with us, fearful that that monster downstairs may escape and eat him. What chaos I created with my scheme. So, I gave up. Buckets is just to much for me. My body is sore and I am tired. She wore me out. She is now on my daughters farm, running free and bringing balls to my grandchildren over and over again. They can keep up with her. She is happy and I am resting.

When we finally face our sin and place them in the hands of God, there is rest. When we quit letting the sin drag us around and dictate to us, we find peace. When we realized that we have no control over this beast of burden then we have freedom and walk the path to love.

Buckets and I will visit each other. Not at my house, but at hers. She is a good dog, just not my dog. My husband was patient with the whole situation and waited for me to give up, which I did. Do I still want a dog? Yep, but I will set that want aside and take care of my cat. He needs me right now...he has been traumatized a bit.

Awesome Site Award

I was given this award by Channel of Healing. It was given to her by Hwy 77 and she has past it on. Channel of Healing is so encouraging to me. She, always, gives me words that keep me going. Thank you Channel of Healing, you are the best.

I pass this award on to:

A Homesteading Neophyte

Only In His Service

Sunny's Blog

Shea's Cool Little Art Blog

The Light in the Woods

Thoughts along the
Way

Love Lost

This is hard to write. My spirit is sad and angry that we live in a fallen world. That we watch, so many times, as the sins of this world hurt those we love and that, at times, our lot in life is hard.

The baby was born. Mom did good. She labored for five days, but finally her water broke early Sunday morning and we went to the hospital.

I was holding her leg up to her chest, helping her push, when little Pearce emerged. But, 10 seconds prior to that, I heard, from the monitors, that his heart had stopped. The doctor said to the staff, "we had better do something about that". I looked at mom, but she had not heard the beat of that tiny heart stop.

The doctor did his work and out popped a head. There was no waiting for that last push to get the shoulders out, the doctor just pulled. I heard a faint whimper from the baby and was relieved. But, when I looked at him, his arms fell to his side and I noticed that his hands were swollen to at least three times what they should be.

Hospital staff, from the neonatal unit, ran into the room and took over the baby. A camera was thrown to me to take pictures of them working on the baby. No one except myself and staff understood what was happening. I took those picture, afraid that if I did not, there may not be another time to do this.

He was not breathing, I watched as they rubbed his chest back and forth. Every once in a while, you could hear him give a small cry. They worked for what seemed like an eternity.

Finally, a doctor treating little Pearce, came to the mom's bed and told her a bit of what was happening. She stated that he was not breathing well on his own and they were going to have to take him to the ICU and watch him.

After a few hours we got some of the answers we needed to hear. He can not breath on his own. This may get better. He had a bowl movement before birth, so they did a chest xray and found his heart is enlarged. He has no use in his arms. Does not and can not move them. His head is very bruised, I was not alarmed at this, but the doctor said it was more than most babies.

Am echo was done on his heart, but all that was said, before I left, was that "nothing significant was found." I would suppose that this means that they did find something.

What should be, one of the happiest days of your life, turns out to be one of the saddest. The twists and turns of life can be so devastating. The impact of what the doctors were saying seemed to be lost to the mom. Her response was matter of factual. She does not get it yet.

I sat and talked with her to try and get her to understand, but she had closed her mind to the truth and being young was lost in self. I thought that that maternal instinct would get in and she would worry and want to be with her child. But, that did not occur. Mom was not a home.

It all seem so surreal to me. I, as a mother, was broken. I, as a therapist, was concerned. It is rare for a new mother to not want to look upon her new baby, and just stare at the child. To not feel overwhelmed with the love that comes from the birth of a child. But, this mom felt none of that, she was concerned about self.

I tried to reach her, I tried to encourage her to pray for her child. But, she just said "ok" without a worry in the world.

What is missing in this young woman? The most basic instinct of motherhood is lacking. To watch this was unstabling. I felt bewildered by what I was seeing. I did not expect this from mom and became concerned about the welfare of the child, if he lives. What kind of upbringing will he have? No bonding, no love, no concern. Is this what we are coming to, a society that brings people into this world not children.
How many more are being brought into this world without love?

This is not a situation where mom's reaction to birth is depression or disassociation, it was pure selfishness. A me me situation. As this baby struggles to live, mom is saying "I feel better now." "Wow, I have a stomach again." "Good job Doc." "Can I eat now." "Let me use my cell phone". Not one question about or concern about the child.

The father of this child was traveling from another state to be there when the child was born. Mom called him, while he was in route, to tell him of the birth. He was angry that she had had the baby before he got there. I told her to tell him that the baby was at risk and his response was "Why did you have him before I got there". Mom and Dad are the same. Me, Me, Me.

Fear for our world settled in on me. These two parents see their child as a toy and now that the toy is broken, rejection sets in. They will not be playing dress up with this child anytime soon, so they will go on and leave the child, more than likely with Grandma.

I spoke, a lot, with Grandma yesterday, and after watching all this she knows that she will probably be the one bonding with and raising this child. Praise God for Grandmothers. As unfair as it may seem to Grandma, at least, this grandma is willing to love. Her lot in life is hard, but she knows that she has enough love in her to share with and raise up a baby at risk.

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Now playing: Doug McClure - Worthy
via FoxyTunes

Birth

Well....NO baby yet.

We went to the hospital when her contractions got to 4 minutes and the contractions are not doing much of anything. So, she is still waiting. I, on the other hand, am tired.

At the hospital, I was reminded of the birth of my daughter. I had all, but one, of my children naturally. I have 4 children.

Side note: One of my children weight 12 pounds. All women are freaking out, right now, as the read that one.

My daughter weight 9 something. Delivery was difficult. Her head would not give and I struggled with an hour of pushing. Finally, a bay girl. In recovery, I started to bleed and my blood pressure dropped to 40/20.

I can remember that the student nurse sitting next to me, knew this before I did. She ran out of the room yelling a name. Several people ran in and went to work. No one said anything to me they just were in a panic.

The head of my bad fell flat and when it did...I felt what was happening. I could feel life leaving my body. I started to loose consciousness but, refused to do so. I felt if I did, I would die. So, awake I stayed. Mean time the hospital staff worked.

I kept my focus on staying awake. But, that was, at times, difficult. My veins had collapsed and the digging, with needles, in various parts of my body was painful. Over and over again they tried to find a vein with no luck. I was practicing my Lamaze breathing method to endure the pain.

Still, I focused on staying alive. I was so weak, that I could not lift my arms. I would even find myself not breathing and would have to remind my self to take a breath. Finally, they called in someone special. I can not remember exactly what he specialized in, but he was some specialized nurse.

He came into the room and everyone stepped aside. All conversation stopped and I felt as if I was at the mercy of whatever this man had in mind. I watched his face as he went to work. He did not say one word to me. He just came up to me and picked up my arm. He drove a needle into my arm and I yelped. It felt like the needle had hit my bone. Then he laid my arm down and left the room. The staff got back to work. Needle inserted.

One of my thoughts, while all this was going on, was "I suppose that some women still die during child birth". So, I focused.

Did you notice anything about this story that was missing? I'll give you a minute to think.

Times up. GOD is missing.

I was an atheist at the time. After I recovered, I was so very proud of myself for not showing weakness and calling out to a God for mercy. For not making some promise to a God if my life was spared.

When I think back on it now, I am so very grateful to God Almighty for sparing such a wretch as myself from death.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"

Are we not grateful that He knows our future. I was happy and sure that I was going to stay an atheist. Never would I have imagined that God would catch me and change me to my very core. If it were not for those plans, I may not have been here today. I may have passed on that very day and be eternally at the mercy of Satan. What a frightening thought.

It took a long time before I came to God. My daughter was grown before I accepted that God existed. But, I did and I am rejoice at the knowledge that God, the living God, loves me.

Thank you God for your salvation, your redemption, your patience, your love.

The Baby is Coming

Not posting today. I will be assisting in the birth of a new baby. I think. I have been sitting with this young pregnant woman since 4:00 yesterday, timing her contractions. We are getting close. But, still sitting and waiting. Little guy is taking his time.

Gone Political

This is not a political blog but, I have been political since I was 18. I became involved during the Vietnam war and found it fascinating. I was an activist in my early years and have that itch again.

Oh, I'm sure I will not go back to carrying a poster that reads something outrageous, but I feel that "we the people" need to do something, because our vote seems to mean nothing anymore.

I have this conflict inside of me that started when I became a Christian. I have been taught that God puts into office whom He wants in office.

Daniel 4:17
"This sentence is by the decree of the angelic watchers And the decision is a command of the holy ones, In order that the living may know That the Most High is ruler over the realm of mankind, And bestows it on whom He wishes And sets over it the lowliest of men."

Romans 13:1
Every person must be subject to the governing authorities, for no authority exists except by God's permission. The existing authorities have been established by God.

These verses, certainly seems to state that God does put into office His choice of men. So, does this mean that if Obama becomes President that he is God's choice. Should I not be concerned about this happening.

When I look at those verses I see words like "wishes" and "existing", so in that I believe that God, when He needs to or wants to or has to have a certain someone in office to fulfill a prophesy, then He moves to put that someone in office.

That aside, I am going to get radical. We the people need to do something to stop the decay, decline, destruction of our country. We sit back and watch as a handful of men decide our fate and then complain about the outcome. Some say "I voted them in, I'll vote them out". That might work, if more people voted.

I can remember, as a young college student, sitting around discussing revolution. Well, there was a social revolution, that did cause change. Not necessarily good change, but there was change. The people of the United States do not seem to have that kind of energy anymore. They would rather watch than participate in the changing of their country.

I am very concerned. Are we watching the death of a nation. Do we not try and save what we love? Or are we so ashamed of what we have become that we hide our heads in the sand not wanting to see the results of what we have created nor its demise.

Scottish history professor Alexander Tyler wrote around 1887:

“A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the voters discover that they can vote themselves largesse (generous gifts) from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates promising the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that a democracy always collapses over loose fiscal policy” which he says “is always followed by a dictatorship.”

Obama is in the right place at the right time, if you believe what Tyler wrote. He is a socialist. No doubt. In my day he would have been referred to has a "pinko commie pig". Excuse my language. For myself, I do not care how lowly we have become, how disrespectful, economically strapped nor religiously depraved, Obama and socialism is not the answer.

We have become a decadent society. We, the people, can either take back what is rightfully ours or we can continue to sit and watch as judges and other people in high places, dictate to us what it is they suppose we need and want.

I want to scream "revolt people, revolt". But, my screams would fall on deaf ears. For most of America as learned to see not evil, hear not evil but as for speaking no evil, that has become a matter of interpretation. That interpretation will soon be in the hands of Obama who is already interpreting what we can and can not say by his mandate of "you will not use my first name, you will not talk of my wife" etc. Just another example of his socialist agenda and dictatorship.

Am I rambling? You bet I am. Why? Because, "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore". When the prophets ask "where is the United States in the end times" ...well is it not obvious, we are no longer of any importance. We are downtrodden, heavy laden and suppressed by the powers that be.

I am not a happy camper.

Seasons

Sunday was busy for my husband and myself. One activity that we were involved in was prayer for fathers who came forward at church.

The congregation was small, because of a pancake breakfast before church. So, we could spend a bit more time with each man who came for prayer.

What I found interesting was the difference in need and demeanor of the men.

The first two that came up were men in their forties. Both, were relaxed, but had some issues that bothered them. They mostly wanted us to pray blessings over them. God had words for them that I happily gave and they walked away content.

Then I saw an elderly man walking from the other side of the church over to us. He must have been close to ninety years of age. He gait was slow and each step focused on before taken. When he got about four feet from us, he said, "I'm a new one".

Not sure exactly what he meant, we greeted him and I asked if he was new at the church. He said his son attends the same church in Kansas City and when he comes for a visit, they always come to ours in Wichita.

His demeanor was calm....peaceful. You could feel God all around him. I told him it was a pleasure to be in his presence. That he was a blessed man. He was so pleased with life. You could tell that in his long life he was content with his situation. In the twilight of his life he was happy.

We prayed for him and when we were done, he opened his eyes and said, "I feel chills all over me." He looked up at us and then said, "really, I have the shimmers". I got a little concerned, thinking, "oh my, don't fall down." But, he did not fall. He stood there and enjoyed God for the moment and then he slowly lumbered away from us.

As we were watching him leave, another man walked up. He was young. Maybe twenty years of age. He was not content with life and weeping. He was feeling the pain of becoming an adult. Life was taking a toll. The reality of manhood was sitting in and it was beginning to hurt. Not the least bit content but, also, realizing that he had no control over what lied ahead in the next sixty years. He was undone by life. My husband and I understood him but, knew that his battle was far from over.

There you have the range of manhood. Men in their forties, understanding their responsibilities and yet wanting more. A man in the twilight of his life, contend and at peace and the young man who is just facing his giants and is afraid of what lies ahead.

All these men love God. They have devoted themselves to the service of the Living God. The oldest finds peace in knowing he has served and will see God. He waits for that glorious moment.

The forty year olds, continue to hold fast to the promise and in their struggles, of the flesh, have found that in all things God shows up.

The young man searches for answers. He knows God and yet life is beating him up and he wonders at the reasons. He struggles with the whys and why nots of this time we spend on earth and yet he keeps his eyes on God and instead of falling away from God, he just digs in further.

The difference between all of these men and their counterparts, in the secular world, is their hope. Each could have, at any time, turned from God. But, they stand fast and continued to find their answers in Him.

Young men, without God, are angry. This young man had good reason to be angry, but he was not angry. The men in their forties, had good reason to be worried, but they were not worried. But, most impacting, was the elderly man. He would have good reason to be in unrest, at facing the end of his time. But, he was not afraid. He like the others, even in all their different needs, had the truth inside of them. In that truth, they find the answer, to all their needs, in all the different seasons, of their lives.

Spirit of Suicide

I waited to post today because I had an inner healing this morning and wanted to concentrate on that. The inner healing went like this.

We prayed, we talked, we quit.

She was not ready. She has a lot of anger that she is not willing to let go of right now. This is not an inappropriate thing. She has a right to be angry, her husband had been having an affair and she just found out a few days ago. There is a difference between forgiveness and forgetting.

She needs to process what has happened to her. She wants to not feel this pain, but is not willing to make herself vulnerable to more pain. So, we did not do the inner healing.

The main reason I agreed to meet with her was she was suicidal. She has no plan for suicide, she just thinks about it often. So, before she was to leave, I told her I wanted to pray against that spirit of suicide that was tormenting her.

She was ok with this, but did not expect much. She feels that God has let her down. He did not, according to her thinking, come through for her when she needed Him. She was not sure that God cared enough for her to help her now.

So, my thinking was that my own faith is big enough. So, myself, my brother and Roseanne began to pray. I prayed against that spirit of suicide and when I did she began to have pain in her left arm. She became very uncomfortable. She rubbed her arm and squirmed in her seat. I recognized that God was moving on her and delivering her from evil.

I began to pray deliverance. And in Jesus' name, that pain left, but her fingers were numb. So, we continued to pray for God to deliver and He did. She began to smile when all feeling came back into her fingers.

Freedom and protection was given to her today. God met her and showed her that He loves her and that He WILL be there for her. She recognized the power and love of God. He moved her. She now must think about what is next. Dealing with her anger and letting go of her need to control will not come easy. But, today, she learned that she does not have to do it herself. She belongs to a great and awesome God who can and will do anything for her.

Shout

Joshua 6:20
When the trumpets sounded, the people shouted, and at the sound of the trumpet, when the people gave a loud shout, the wall collapsed; so every man charged straight in, and they took the city.

A young man sat in a chair in front of me yesterday. He was going through an inner healing. He struggled with many issues throughout the day. But, there came a moment in the day when the spirit realm around him shattered like glass.

The atmosphere was tense around this young man. He had a lot of work a head of him and the work was exhausting. The team that sat with him were, myself, Roseanne and my brother Keith from "Only In His Service". God used us to guide him to those places that He wanted cared for.

Forgiveness was hard for him at times. Very hard. But, when he finally could speak of forgiveness he truly forgave. For a time, he could not speak the words of forgiveness. This confused him and frustrated him. I asked God to bind up that demonic presence and loosed his tongue. In that he found the freedom to speak.

As the day went on, he broke soul and spirit ties and spoke of his helplessness. With every spiritual thing he did the spirit realm became more robust in its warfare. So, when I said, "let's get to the main reason we are here" the full war began.

The young man stated that he could feel pain and pressure on his shoulder. What I saw on his shoulder was a small demon with a claw dug into his skin. As I looked at this demon it lunged at me, wanting to kill me. Even though I know that this is in another dimension, I ducked.

The warfare was incredible. The tension in the air was thick. Roseanne was praying in tongues and Keith was rapidly praying in the Spirit. My attention was diverted for a second. But, in that second, I heard the loudest, sharpest, most terrifying scream that I have ever heard.

I immediately thought I was about to be choked. But, when I turned I saw this young man bent over, fists clenched, and shaking all over. The spirits around him were falling to the ground shattered into thousands of pieces. The young man was saying, "I don't want this anymore. I don't want this anymore."

As we watched this occur, we continued in prayer, leaving the young man alone with his God. We prayed protection and mercy as he let out another smaller scream. Again, he shook and clinched his fist. His tears came and he cried for God to help him.

His freedom came in a second. His faith and need overwhelmed the demonic and the battle was won with a scream that would have woke the dead. This scream for mercy cut through the atmosphere and destroyed everything evil in its path. It was truly a beautiful thing to see. But, was a bit shocking for this old heart.

I am always surprised by God. He never does anything the same way. I have done many inner healing's and they are never the same. God always shows up and except for one time, the person is always delivered. This one, however, has left a mark on me. This one has impacted me. This young man was so broken and so turned off emotionally. He was at that place, where so few go, broken and helpless. He knew there was only one hope and he held on to that hope.

God met him and with violence conquered the spirit realm. I have seen many battles in the spirit realm, but nothing like this. With a shout. With a gut rendering shout. With a shout that tore to the very being of your soul, this boy was set free. If we could all just get that real with God, then our mountain would move, our rivers would flow, our freedom could be reached.

Praise God for His mercy and kindness.

Silver Cord

I got a call yesterday and the caller said, "I have a spiritual emergency." Never heard that before.

Seems a married couple are having major issues. One is that he has been having an affair. I was asked if I would do an inner healing on both the husband and wife. I know some of the background and agreed to do the inner healing. But, told the caller that I wanted to meet with them and discuss the process first.

I asked Roseanne to assist in the inner healing and she met with the couple after I did. Last evening Roseanne and I got together and shared notes.

We saw much of the same things when we separately worked with this couple. I saw a brick in the mans heart. Roseanne saw a stone wall around him. We both saw multiple demons in him and that he had shared them with his wife. We agreed that death is there on them both. That he is going to die and she will kill herself.

There was a point that both Roseanne and myself, when comparing notes, had to pray and think about. Even research. Both of us had the feeling that this affair was more unnatural than just an affair. Something was different. I felt occult and Roseanne felt witchcraft. She, also, keeps getting the word "wicked". When I told her that I had the sense that they were related or had some kind of commonality about them, Roseanne told me of a vision she had of the two of them.

Her vision was of the husband and his lover. The were held together by an umbilical cord. This was conformation to both of us that we were on the right track. But, what did it mean. I'm not sure we have all the answers, yet, but it is beginning to come together.

Roseanne remembered that the umbilical cord was silver in the vision. So, we did some research and found some interesting stuff on witch craft and the umbilical cord. But, eventually we were taken to Ecclesiastes 12:6-7.

Remember him—before the silver cord is severed, or the golden bowl is broken; before the pitcher is shattered at the spring, or the wheel broken at the well,

and the dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it.

Through all we read, the silver cord is referenced many times as an umbilical cord. So, when we ended up here we were awed by what God was doing. Both Roseanne and I saw death on the couple, these verses are about death.

The silver cord is the umbilical cord. The golden bowl is the brain. The pitcher is the lungs and the wheel is the heart. Basically, these verses are describing different ways to die.

So, there it is again "death". But, why is Satan spending so much time on destroying this couple. They are truly "Luke warm" Christians. Not much fire there. They can, however, through healing, repentance and confession turn into "Christians on fire." The reason that Satan is spending so much time on this couple alludes both Roseanne and myself for now. All we do know is that death is at hand, witch craft has played a part and freedom is near. More revelation will come on the silver cord.

Today, we will proceed with the inner healing on the husband. Then in the next day or two we will work with the wife I expect manifestations of evil from the husband. So, I am seeking God on what to do then. If we go for deliverance, is this man ready. Is he strong enough in the Lord that he will not fall back and then be overwhelmed with even more demons. Or is he in a place where it is safe, for him, to be delivered from such evil. I will wait on the Lord for this answer.

I do this today stricken with illness. I have been suffering for several weeks. My body has swollen up so badly that my feet look round. Yesterday, because of the Lupus, my kidney's were checked to see if they were failing. All is well there. So, the doctor took four vials of blood. We wait to see. Meantime, I am on water pills. My trips to the bathroom are numerous. So, while working today..... well, you know. But, I do get a lot of inspirations and revelation while sitting on the throne.

Bells

This is a word that God gave Chuck Pierce.

"Hear the bells this week! There's a sound of liberty coming from Heaven. There's a sound I'm bringing in. Every time you hear those bells of change, decree a new liberty is coming before you, and coming upon you, and that you will enter the fields of freedom." We shouted, "The gate to the fields of freedom is opening this week!" I then heard the Spirit of God say, "Don't try to change 'change'. Some of you are resisting the sound of change that's coming into you. Some of you are resisting the sound of change I'm bringing in, wanting to get things in order things before it is time for order. Just hear the announcement that I am making now and let change come in to the very depths of your being. Let change begin to redevelop what needs to be redeveloped. Don't try to stop the rearranging sound of change. The bells of change are ringing!
I am decreeing from heaven that I am shaking loose your change. Quit trying to shake the earth first. Enter in with Me and shake the heavens right now. I will clear up some things in your atmosphere. Decree that you are going up into a new place with the host of Heaven and shaking loose what needs to be shaken loose. The stairways are forming. I am taking you into the Throne Room and seating you in heavenly places. You will come back down into the earth realms with the sound of Heaven and connect the sound of Heaven into the earth realm. See the host of Heaven sounding as the heavens open up and sound over your situation. Hear the host say, 'We're bringing a sound that will jar loose that emotional strain you're in. We're bringing a sound that will jar loose the supply you need for right now. We're bringing a sound to jar loose and set the captives free.'
Wake up. There's a song within you, there's a sound you're going to hear. You say, 'I don't even sing; I'm not even in tune to the music.' But I say you'll hear a boom, a sonic boom; you'll hear a sound. I will even go in and visit hospitals and those in bed will hear new sounds this week. I'm sending a wake-up into My people. I am ringing the bells of change. This is a time when you must hear in your spirit what is calling you to wake up before it's too late.
The Lord then showed me a can of fruit preserves. I Heard the Spirit of God say, "I have harvested in the past and set preserves in place. Go in and get what I have preserved for you. Go in! Go in! If you will take the preserves, I will give you the new harvest. If you will bring me your vessel, I will pour the sound down from Heaven. For I am unlocking heavenly blessings that have been stored , waiting for a people who will hear these sounds and bring down a manifestation in the earth. To those who have been fragmented in soul and vexed in spirit, I AM pouring down into you; I want you to be whole. Though you couldn't hold the oil in the past season, I am first pouring down a healing balm with healing oil to knit your soul together. I'm remaking your vessel so I can pour in the oil of anointing that will cause you to break through in this next season. Let Me knit now. Let Me pour on oil so you can hold another oil.the anointing for breakthrough.
Hear the sound of seals breaking and unlocking revelation. Hear the sound of new, fresh water, running. Your momentum wheel has been blocked and the things which your wheel was turning have slowed and stopped. I'm bringing the flow of My stream again. Hear the rain. I'm causing the wheel of your mill to turn, and what has needed to be ground within you I have been grinding up. I say bread corn must be bruised (Is 28:28). I've had to bruise you, I've had to stop you from having the flow of the normal life structure you've known so I can restart the water of life within you. I've had to remove the death shroud that was on you. I've had to reconnect you to the cornerstone that I have and the 'intersection plan' I have for your life. Some have said, 'I've been afraid to cross over at this intersection. I've been afraid to move past. I've waited and waited and waited.' But now I have come to rearrange you, to move your fears and to remove them from you. I've come to bring the sound of change at the light, at your intersection. I'm changing the light. I'm ringing the bell. Hear the sound over the opening of the Stock Market. Discern that sound. Hear the sound over the currencies of the world."
I heard the Lord instruct us to place our coins in the vessels we had assembled. The Spirit of God was saying, "Take your change, take the coins you have and shake them in a container. I want your change and the sound of your change from the bottom up. I want it changing. I want the sound of the currencies of the earth to change. Hear the sound. I can change your structure and your supply from the bottom; I can bring it up." Even as we've been trying to change something one way, the Lord is saying, "I'm rearranging the way the change needs to occur."

My Tree

Have you ever planted a tree? Well, it is quite the job.

First, you have to pick out the tree. The tree can not jump up and down and yell, "pick me, pick me". It can not seek you out and try to persuade you to take it home with you. No, you have to figure out which tree you want to take home.

When I became a Christian, it was because I was looking for the right God. I had a void inside of me that needed filling. So, what to plant? I did not see any God yelling, "pick me, pick me". No, I had to figure out which God I was going to take home with me.

Then you pick the tree. You look to see which is the greener, stronger and bears the best and most fruit. You do not want to take one home that has holes in the leaves, brown tips nor empty of food.

When I looked around at different religions I noticed that many had holes in their theology and were empty of nourishment to my spirit.

Does the trunk of the tree have a firm base? Will the trunk hold up in the wind or will it snap at with the strength of a storm?

I found in my search of spirituality that most religions had no strong foundation. That in the hard times there was nothing that one could hold on to for strength in the chaos of the day.

So, you find your tree and take it home. Where to put the tree? Should it be in the front yard or the back? Should I hide it from the neighbors or show it off in all its beauty? Where is the perfect place to put my new tree? I must remember to put it in the perfect place, so that I will not grow tired of it and want it to move to a new location. Because, once I have planted it...there it will stand.

I once had a woman tell me that my zealous attitude towards God would wain over the years. That I would loose my excitement and energy towards God. To an extent this is true. That newness does wear off, but if I have planted my God in the appropriate area of my spirit, I will continue to admire the beauty of my God.

So, I have made my decision and have found the perfect place to plant my tree. Now, how deep should I plant this tree? The roots need to go deep for nourishment and strength. It needs room to spread its root and grow tall. The tree needs to be deep enough that it will not lean to one side or the other.

I planted my God, deep within my spirit. If I did not, the ground would have been shaky. I need my God to hold me up so that I will not lean from one side or the other. His deep roots nourish me and keep me strong. A strong foundation.

Now that my tree is in the ground, I need to water it and keep the bugs from destroying it.

The tree of life that is within me is nourished by the Word of God. The enemy comes and tries to destroy my faith but, I have the insecticide of the Word to protect me. They can try but they can not succeed.

So, with time my tree will develop fruit, if I continue to nourish it and protect it. The tree will grow strong and give shade to the weary and beauty to the beholder. It will be a magnificent tree. Others will want the same tree I have and will ask "Where did you get that tree?"

I will tell them, there is only one tree. But, I will share this tree with you. It is my God. The Living God. He is tall and strong, with roots that go on forever. He gives you fruit to live on and shade from the turmoil of life. His foundation is assured and His protection unwavering. This tree I share with you is Jesus Christ.

In all things, God, gives peace to the weary, beauty to the eye and strength to those who feed upon His fruit. He is the tree that I lean on and pick from. He is planted in front of my house for all to see and I will share Him daily with all who will listen.