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Monday, June 30, 2008

Memories

You have all been so kind to me in this hour. A season that I must go through to be healed. The strangest thing about this state of mind, that I am in, is that I have started getting memories back of my childhood.

Jan.1957 Nancy & Cindy  @ weeks old_edited
I have disassociated from my memories as a child. My childhood was full of trauma so my mind just took itself out of the picture. So, I have no memories.

In the past I wrote a post about my childhood and shared that my mother was one of my perpetrators. She was out of her mind with anger when I was a child. Not suited to be a parent. The abuse was total...emotional, physical and from someone else, sexual.

I tried, years ago, to get my memories back. I work hard at retrieving those memories, but nothing came and I became afraid that I would start making memories up. So I decided that it was better to not remember. My thinking became "why would I want to go through it twice".
Just hangin out_edited
God has given us a great gift in disassociation. It protects us from an overload of abuse and keeps us sane. The deeper the disassociation the more likely that the abuse was horrific. I had two memories and they were not go good.

So, in my depression I have started to remember my youth. Not bad memories, which I am grateful for, but just memories. My brother and I were looking at a family portrait and he asked why he was not in the picture. I just blurted out "you were working". I looked at him and asked if he used to work at the little grocery store by our house. He told me he did. I was amazed and happy. I can not relay to you what it meant to me to remember.
Wilkinson protrait
Since then I have had numerous memories come up. I asked my brother, "do you think it is safe for me to remember now that mom is gone?"

Could this be? There are things that I do not want to remember. But, I would like to remember the good things. The everyday common things. Those happy moments. My dad.
Mom& Dad - Cindy & Brad_edited
In the five years that I took care of my mother, before her death, I went through a season of "why am I doing this". Why would you take care of someone who so totally abused you? I suppose I was trying to make up for being such a bad child. Of course I was not a bad child. But, I now wonder if that was not what my subconscious was thinking. It really does not matter why I did it and I would not take back those five years. I am glad I did it because, I got to resolve issues within myself and enjoy the mother I was suppose to have. She had mellowed in those last few years. So, I am grateful that I had that time.
11-17-2007_edited
I do not believe that my depression is from my childhood either. I have forgiven my mother and anyone else that abused me. That is not an issue. I do have regrets about the way I took care of her. I feel I could have done a better job. But, that is now past and I must look towards the future and get on with life. Time I believe will take care of my depression. With prayer and meditation on God I will get through.

But, it looks like I will get through with childhood memories. I like what I have remembered so far. It is a joy to recall the happy moments or just the mundane moments. I have a past and it is coming back to me.

7 comments:

Sunny said...

great post. you're such a good writer! much enjoyed looking at the old pictures too.

Anita said...

Wonderful post, and photos...

Given55 said...

Thank you Sunny and Anita,

You are very kind.

Anonymous said...

The picture of you with your mom reading the paper. You gotta love the pose. And the look on your face its priceless. Very Cute! I was talking to my mom the other day she is frail these days before her time. She is only in her 60's. She said my sister told her how when we would go grocery shopping ever so often one of us would go move the car to another parking space so we could get a laugh when she couldnt find the car. I remember how my mom reacted and we all would laugh. But that was a different time. Not too many ten year olds would be able to get away with moving a car just to have a little fun with mom.I hope you can retrieve some of those times. My mom and I had a good laugh on the phone the other day. It was great! Blessings B

Given55 said...

"B" You lightened my burden with your comment. Thank you so much.

Channelofhealing said...

For the first time I am crying real tears while reading a post!
what can I say? I know what you are talking about.
thanks for Praying for me

Godbless you Sister

Given55 said...

God Bless Channel of Healing