Love Lost

This is hard to write. My spirit is sad and angry that we live in a fallen world. That we watch, so many times, as the sins of this world hurt those we love and that, at times, our lot in life is hard.

The baby was born. Mom did good. She labored for five days, but finally her water broke early Sunday morning and we went to the hospital.

I was holding her leg up to her chest, helping her push, when little Pearce emerged. But, 10 seconds prior to that, I heard, from the monitors, that his heart had stopped. The doctor said to the staff, "we had better do something about that". I looked at mom, but she had not heard the beat of that tiny heart stop.

The doctor did his work and out popped a head. There was no waiting for that last push to get the shoulders out, the doctor just pulled. I heard a faint whimper from the baby and was relieved. But, when I looked at him, his arms fell to his side and I noticed that his hands were swollen to at least three times what they should be.

Hospital staff, from the neonatal unit, ran into the room and took over the baby. A camera was thrown to me to take pictures of them working on the baby. No one except myself and staff understood what was happening. I took those picture, afraid that if I did not, there may not be another time to do this.

He was not breathing, I watched as they rubbed his chest back and forth. Every once in a while, you could hear him give a small cry. They worked for what seemed like an eternity.

Finally, a doctor treating little Pearce, came to the mom's bed and told her a bit of what was happening. She stated that he was not breathing well on his own and they were going to have to take him to the ICU and watch him.

After a few hours we got some of the answers we needed to hear. He can not breath on his own. This may get better. He had a bowl movement before birth, so they did a chest xray and found his heart is enlarged. He has no use in his arms. Does not and can not move them. His head is very bruised, I was not alarmed at this, but the doctor said it was more than most babies.

Am echo was done on his heart, but all that was said, before I left, was that "nothing significant was found." I would suppose that this means that they did find something.

What should be, one of the happiest days of your life, turns out to be one of the saddest. The twists and turns of life can be so devastating. The impact of what the doctors were saying seemed to be lost to the mom. Her response was matter of factual. She does not get it yet.

I sat and talked with her to try and get her to understand, but she had closed her mind to the truth and being young was lost in self. I thought that that maternal instinct would get in and she would worry and want to be with her child. But, that did not occur. Mom was not a home.

It all seem so surreal to me. I, as a mother, was broken. I, as a therapist, was concerned. It is rare for a new mother to not want to look upon her new baby, and just stare at the child. To not feel overwhelmed with the love that comes from the birth of a child. But, this mom felt none of that, she was concerned about self.

I tried to reach her, I tried to encourage her to pray for her child. But, she just said "ok" without a worry in the world.

What is missing in this young woman? The most basic instinct of motherhood is lacking. To watch this was unstabling. I felt bewildered by what I was seeing. I did not expect this from mom and became concerned about the welfare of the child, if he lives. What kind of upbringing will he have? No bonding, no love, no concern. Is this what we are coming to, a society that brings people into this world not children.
How many more are being brought into this world without love?

This is not a situation where mom's reaction to birth is depression or disassociation, it was pure selfishness. A me me situation. As this baby struggles to live, mom is saying "I feel better now." "Wow, I have a stomach again." "Good job Doc." "Can I eat now." "Let me use my cell phone". Not one question about or concern about the child.

The father of this child was traveling from another state to be there when the child was born. Mom called him, while he was in route, to tell him of the birth. He was angry that she had had the baby before he got there. I told her to tell him that the baby was at risk and his response was "Why did you have him before I got there". Mom and Dad are the same. Me, Me, Me.

Fear for our world settled in on me. These two parents see their child as a toy and now that the toy is broken, rejection sets in. They will not be playing dress up with this child anytime soon, so they will go on and leave the child, more than likely with Grandma.

I spoke, a lot, with Grandma yesterday, and after watching all this she knows that she will probably be the one bonding with and raising this child. Praise God for Grandmothers. As unfair as it may seem to Grandma, at least, this grandma is willing to love. Her lot in life is hard, but she knows that she has enough love in her to share with and raise up a baby at risk.

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