Monday, November 12, 2007

Oh,Please "NO"!!!

This weekend I went on a bondage breaking retreat. It is part of a class I helped lead. The class is to help find God"s purpose for ourselves. Before the weekend retreat, the women write down the soul ties, spirit ties, inner vows, generational curses, etc., that they would want broken. They write them on little pieces of cloth and then take a safety pin and fasten the ties to there underclothes and wear them all week. The goal is for them to see how uncomfortable it is to continue to carry these burdens. They, also fast during the week. By the time they get to the retreat, they are very ready to get rid of these ties & walk free.

One of my jobs, while at the retreat, is to prophesy over these women, when they get back from burning these ties. It is always a beautiful thing to watch the women transform after they have gotten rid of these soul tie. They are so happy and free. God always meets me when I prophesy over them & it usually is conformation of what God has already been telling them.

For myself, this weekend, got a bit weird. After they had broken their fast and we had sat down for one more teaching, I heard from God personally. I was listening to the teaching. The teacher was talking about when she needed help with something she would ask God for the grace to achieve that goal.

Suddenly I heard God. Now the subject matter that He was addressing, did not please me. You see, I have relapsed into smoking cigarette's. I have many excuses to continue smoking. My mother is one, because, I know that cigarette's help to keep emotions down. Another excuse, is that it also, helps to keep some of the things I see & feel from the spirit realm in check. I know that these are excuses, but, I'm an addict, I'm suppose to have excuses. So, anyway, that was the subject matter between God & myself Saturday morning.

Soon as the teacher said "Grace" I knew what was coming. " Do you love me?" I was rather irritated with this, so my response was, "Oh, Don't go there." I waited & heard nothing. God is patient. "Yes, I love you."
Again, "Do you love me." I responded, "Really, you don't have to go there." I waited again. Nothing. "Yes, I love you. But, stop." "Do you love me?" I gave up. "Yes, I love you." Then I knew what was next. "Then go & make disciples of my people." Well, it wasn't exactly what I expected. I responded with, "I do do that." I thought I had gotten ahead of the game here, the winner. But, God responded with, "Not to your full potential."

That ended our conversation. I could feel the dread of withdrawal come up in me. Knowing that I don't really want to stop but, also knowing, that the Artist that created me, was erasing cigarette's from His drawing of me.

My husband has told me, that God told him that, He was not going to help me quit this time. OH, the terror of it all. I have had addictions before, but, nothing holds a person like cigarette's. When I quit before, God just took them from me. But, this will not be a easy road for me.

The teaching stated that grace was what was needed to get through those tough times. I need a truck load of grace for this one. By definition grace is the unmerited favor of God. God gives grace freely. But, I just realized that in my flesh of addiction, I do not believe that grace is enough to see me through. A horrible epiphany of self.

This of course is a soul tie with me. A bondage that keeps me from the fullness of God. The women this weekend burned their soul tie & found freedom. This is what God wants from me. But, it is not what I want for myself. Sacrifice & killing the flesh, I don't want to. I am so obedient in all other areas. Even though I argue for a while, I always obey. I just want to rebel here. I, also, just realized that I am afraid of failure in this act of obedience. He can quit, at anytime now, giving me these insights. What to do? There are no options. I must quit.

As Paul said, "All things are lawful, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful, but not all things edify." I Cor. 10:23.


Phelan said...

I need to quit too. ~sigh~ together then?

You know this soul tie thing, might be good for some of the non-Christians out there as well. I know a few, including myself that might bennifit from such a ritual.