Why I May Hesitate

Daily Spirit made a comment on "What a weekend" that I would like to respond to here. She wrote in part "I don't know why it feels that you don't consider yourself as obedient as you could be." I don't mean for it to come across that I question my obedience, I do however, try to keep certain things in check.

Before my addiction (see post "Repentance"), I found myself in a situation, in my church, that I allowed to continue. I was not aware of what was happening or I would have stopped it. I was still to immature to understand.

My church is rather large. Two services to handle the crowd. I was on staff as a counselor and ran some of the outreach programs. The situation that I want to address is that people began to idolize me. This was incredibly obvious after church service. When the congregation would be dismissed a line would start to form in front of me, people wanting prayer. My husband and myself would be there for quit a long time praying for each one. In my immaturity, it never crossed my mind that people were coming to me instead of first going to God.

After I left the church and recovered from my addiction, I began to have some clarity. I began to realize what had been happening. At one point, I even spoke to a women, asking for forgiveness in the way I left the church. She said to me "I saw you as God." By this point in time I had come to realize this and she was a bit shocked when I told her I had come to understand that. She has never forgiven me.

I am back at my precious church. I walk very carefully now. Making sure that this will not happen again. So, I remind people how dirty I am. How undone I can become. How short I fall from the glory of God. I work very hard at keeping people from making me lofty. I always ask, now, "Have you taken this to God first?" Trying to remind them where their answer really lies.

So, if you feel when you read my blog that there seems to be some kind of hesitancy in my writing, it is because I want you to see God not me. Through writing and not being face to face, I believe it to be easier.

We as Christians often go to people instead of God. We see the God in them and want what they have or expect that they can do, through God, signs and wonders that we, ourselves, can not do. This, of course, is not true. My purpose is to bring light to God's people and one of those lights is to teach Christians that they have the same God in them that I do. We all need to check ourselves for idolatry. It is a sneaky plot by Satan that can show up and seem so innocent.