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Friday, November 16, 2007

Repentance

While I was hard into the grasp of Lupus, I was put on pain medicine. I was told that it would help the Fibromyalgia. I was in a lot of pain and trusted the Doctors. The problem was, I was put on Oxycontin.

It started, as they say, innocently enough. I took them as prescribed. I really had no idea that I had become addicted to pain pills.

After God healed me from the Lupus, I remained on the Oxycontin. I still felt pain and the doctors kept saying it was fibromyalgia. Neither the doctors nor myself realized the complete healing that God had produced. So, for a year after my healing I remained on pain medicine. My brain telling my body it hurt so it could still receive the narcotic of it's choice.

My behavior began to change. I no longer search within my self for sin. I no longer stilled my mind to hear the voice of my God. I no longer saw with the eyes of Christ. I no longer saw good in people. I had become a different person, full of suspicion, doubt, fear.

I began to act without thinking. I found myself, one day, with a gun in an abandoned house, thinking about ending my life. I don't know how I got there or why I was thinking this way, except that Satan wanted to kill me. I did, reach out & call someone who talk with me and deescalated the situation.

I saw people as the enemy. I became judgemental of some & proud over others. This behavior finally got me into trouble at my church. No one, exactly, knew what had become of me, but, they did know that I had change in a negative way. Meetings were called and confrontation of my behavior were addressed. I finally felt overwhelmed with meetings and my inability to defend myself and left my precious church.

I felt so persecuted. Very much into me, me, me. I was lost in my confused mind soaking up my thoughts of victimization. I felt sorry for myself. The deal is, you are suppose to examine ones self. I was not capable at that time of even grasping that there was something wrong with me. Looking inward in the confusion of my chosen drug was impossible. Never have I been so overwhelmed with self.

I lost a bottle of Oxycontin. You can't get refills when you've lost a narcotic. So I was suddenly faced with the truth. The pain started to grow. I saw my doctor and told her that I believed that I was withdrawing and she gave me a week of methadone. This helped that first week, but, I had withdrawals for two weeks.

I laid on my couch for two weeks. The pain was unbearable. I did not receive any medication for the pain. I could not fathom how I was going to live in so much pain. There seemed to be no hope for my future. I had lost my church, lost my dignity, and was facing a life of intolerable pain. But, God is good.

After the two weeks had past, my pain left me. Completely gone. My mind had so longed for the feel good of drugs that it created pain to get its fix. NO PAIN. God's healing over me was so complete that every diagnosis that I had received was gone. I was a miracle.

The realization of the last few years began to set in. What a mess I had left in my addiction. I needed to repent and clean up my mess. I thought long and hard about repentance before I took the next step.

I wrote to the pastor of the church that I had walked out of and began my walk into forgiveness. I had been on staff at that church when I walked out. I left behind division and hurt people. Through conversations with the pastor it was decided that I would speak at the two Sunday morning services and repent to the church.

Scary? You bet. Humbling? I felt like a worm crawling on the ground. I, really did not want to do it, but, felt it was the right thing to do. Repentance, what a wonderful, positive exercise in the Christian walk. So cleansing and loving to self and others.

I spoke to the church that Sunday morning. Didn't think I had any energy left after the first service. It drained me of everything I had. God was so good to me, I found the energy and was forgiven. God watch me that day and I hope he was pleased. He did, on that day open up new doors for me to walk down. A healing path and a new walk into the unknowing. You see, I not only lost myself in my addiction, I lost God.

God was near me, but, I didn't acknowledge Him. So into ME, that He became less important. My own fleshy needs were far greater than my need for God. But, repentance healed and brought me back to God. He was waiting for Me and I am so glad He is a forgiving God.

Addiction sneaks up on you. It is a tool that Satan uses to steal God's people. Confusion, isolation, despair are the path of the addict. I experienced this dark place and from that my heart breaks over the pain of the addict. I understand their agony, but, I also, understand, that I will never fall back into that dark place. Never will I leave my God again.

2 comments:

Emmyrose said...

I love your entry and your new template.

God bless you!

Daily Spirit said...

Wow. In a subsequent post, I'd like to see how long ago this was and what steps you've taken since then.

Very nice.

Your blog is very substantive!