"Not of this world"

Proverbs 3:32
for the LORD detests a perverse man but takes the upright into his confidence

Jeremiah 33:3 (New International Version)

'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'

These two verses changed my life with God. They stay with me & pull me ever so closer to God.

When I found Proverbs 3:32, I got so excited. "takes the upright into His confidence". What could be better. The author of the universe taking you into His confidence. I prayed to God that He would find me worthy of His confidence. But, the ever nagging doubt that I could ever be "upright" enough for Him to "take me into His confidence" was constantly around. I am the chief of all sinners.

But, I, also, remembered that we only need to ask.

John 16:23 -24
In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 24Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

What to do. Am I upright enough that all I have to do is ask? I, finally, just shared with God that these two things, His confidence & the knowledge of the unknown are what I desired.

I fall so short of being upright. My soul & my spirit are in constant battle. Oh, I have greater peace than I use to, but, there will always be a sense of struggle. Did He give me my hearts desire. Yes. But, it turns out I had this desire all the time. We all do. God has shown me that all we need to do is look within ourselves, search the depths of our psyche & discover Him. He inhabits our very being, He dwells within our minds waiting for us to plug in.

There are parts of our psyche that we do not acknowledge. A part that leads to the supernatural. God has told me that he has made us so that we can be in intimate contact with Him & walk in the supernatural. We just don't go there. In this day & age these things have become lost. Belief in God has become a sign of weakness, a weak man's way of escaping the reality of life. So, we have grown doubtful & full of disbelief. We this influx of secular ideas, we ignore or let lapse our ability to reach into the realm of God.

God is calling His people. We only need to ask & believe.

Is there a consequence to walking into the unknown. You bet. But, the rewards are far greater. Persecution & rejection are the biggest obstacles. There are even times when what God has shown you is in part & seems so implausible you can't share. Some will listen & take what you are saying & ponder it, which is what God wants. Others will think you crazy. But, if you achieve your desire, you will find you only need God. You only need know that He is communing with you & taking you into His confidence.

There are time when I sit & stare at God's labor & ponder His thoughts. So lost in His presence that I realize how "not of this world" I really am. For each of us we need to make a decision. Am I of this world or am I as the word says "not of this world. Choose! Either walk in this world or walk in His.

Exposing myself

I don't like people. In my flesh I don't like people. I'm very honest about this & anyone who knows me well knows this. Actually, only five people know me well.

But, when asked to pray for someone or minister in some way the love of God takes over me.

I see this happen over and over to others as well. But, in my case it is extreme.

I belong to a group for Christian sensitives. A sensitive is someone who is well connected to the spirit realm. Some feel the pain of others, some hear others thinking, some see the demons or some have a combination of the above or like me have all the above. I mentioned, one time, my fleshly dislike for people to this group, when one of them said, she agreed, "I very much prefer being with the spirits".

We tend to isolate. Having a close relationship with God is all we need. But, God pulls us out. The phrase "of no earthly benefit" comes to mind. God made us this way for a reason, we do have purpose, so we must overcome our tendency to want to be alone.

For some the isolation is a rest. They feel so much pain from others that rest is called for. But, when we get into that time of rest, we don't want to come out. The phone will ring & we don't pick up. We don't return calls, we much more prefer God.

But, God is in His people. We see this, but, then we see the flesh, including our own. There is a certain amount of distrust & that is our biggest obstacle. Relationship is hard for us, there is to much work involved with having to overcome our senses. Our senses tell us more about the person than we would like, so it is easier for us to not build relationships.

There have been times when I've been asked to pray over someone & God has told me "No." I will say no, to the person, which causes confusion. I do explain why I won't, but they truly feel that God would never deny prayer. He does. Usually, it is because what they want prayer for is not in their best interest. This kind of thing can cause talk among the people. Talk (gossip) cripples people. Not only does it cripple the target of the gossip, but, it cripples the talker. Gossip sends the Christian sensitive running to their place of isolation.

So, we keep quite & to ourselves. Once in a while we may stick our heads out, only to be struck again. God showed me a vision once. In the vision I was walking up to a guillotine for my execution. I was in such peace. There was no fear & I felt warm & safe. When I got to the top of the stairs, I saw Jesus standing there waiting for me. He told me that He would never let anyone cut my head off. That He was my protector & redeemer. To spread the word & trust in Him.

I hold on to that. But, I still prefer to isolate. I have however, stepped out of my isolation a bit & exposed myself to the people. I am careful & expecting. What do I expect? Persecution, gossip - a lot of negatives. Can I take it? Yes. Do I what to? No. Will I? Yes.

I don't like people. But, with the supernatural power of the Lord Jesus Christ, I will endure. With His love all over me, I will love. With His grace all over me, I will forgive. He made me this way for a reason & I will walk in it. It is a struggle, but, I hold on to the goal.

Find the purpose of your existence. Take hold of your purpose & see it through. It may be hard, but, in the end, God will bless you. "The goal set before you" find it, pursue it.

"Sometimes it's personal"

When reading this what seems odd

Mark 5

The Healing of a Demon-possessed Man

1They went across the lake to the region of the Gerasenes. 2When Jesus got out of the boat, a man with an evil spirit came from the tombs to meet him. 3This man lived in the tombs, and no one could bind him any more, not even with a chain. 4For he had often been chained hand and foot, but he tore the chains apart and broke the irons on his feet. No one was strong enough to subdue him. 5Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he would cry out and cut himself with stones.

6When he saw Jesus from a distance, he ran and fell on his knees in front of him. 7He shouted at the top of his voice, "What do you want with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? Swear to God that you won't torture me!" 8For Jesus had said to him, "Come out of this man, you evil spirit!"

9Then Jesus asked him, "What is your name?"

"My name is Legion," he replied, "for we are many." 10And he begged Jesus again and again not to send them out of the area.

11A large herd of pigs was feeding on the nearby hillside. 12The demons begged Jesus, "Send us among the pigs; allow us to go into them." 13He gave them permission, and the evil spirits came out and went into the pigs. The herd, about two thousand in number, rushed down the steep bank into the lake and were drowned.

14Those tending the pigs ran off and reported this in the town and countryside, and the people went out to see what had happened. 15When they came to Jesus, they saw the man who had been possessed by the legion of demons, sitting there, dressed and in his right mind; and they were afraid. 16Those who had seen it told the people what had happened to the demon-possessed man—and told about the pigs as well. 17Then the people began to plead with Jesus to leave their region.

One day while I was reading this passage, I got stopped dead in my tracks. In verse 8 Jesus told the spirits to come out of the man. But, notice, they did not come out. This truly, got my attention. I could see, how I, may have some trouble with deliverance, but not Christ. This thing should have come directly out. It is a lesson for us.

So, I asked God why? His answer was simple, "Sometimes it's personal." This took some dwelling on. I still dwell on it, feeling I don't have the complete answer.

I sure know that it is personal to the person being tormented by these evil spirits. I, also, know that whenever I am going to minister to someone with an oppressing spirit, that it becomes pretty personal to the spirit. In every case that I have worked, the demon acts up just before deliverance, knowing that their time is short.

Notice that God said, "sometimes". I, personally, have only once asked the name of a demon. It except, the once, has never been an issue. I know that many folks always ask, but, I don't find the need. But, "Sometimes" it must be needed.


So I ask, "Personal how?" Is it about me? Do I need to be on guard. I, always, need to be on guard. Protected by the Spirit of God, with my armor on. By, the way, why do people say, "I get up every morning & put on the armor of God.". I ask, "Why do you ever take it off." I digress. Does it become "personal" because there is an evil scheme to harm me? Is this somehow familiar to me?

Well in my searching for the answer, I asked myself, why did I ask, that one time, the name of the evil. I asked, because, I was stumped. It was difficult, & I was searching for an answer, so, I thought maybe the answer was in the name. It was. The personal part is the name of the demon. Our names describe us. In the spirit realm it alludes to our purpose. Our name is very personal in the spirit realm. So, it goes, that a demons name is very personal & describes their purpose. Knowing the purpose behind the possession or oppression is always helpful.

Demons, also, come in various strenghts & purpose. Some are lesser demons and some very strong. People, also, play a part in letting go of the evil. These things all work together
in deliverance. Is the person ready for change, are they willing to let go? Some are afraid of who they will be after deliverance. Mostly,with these lesser demons, it is not "personal" & I have run across some pretty powerful demons that the "personal" has not come into play.

But, "sometimes" it is personal & I will need to know the name. It is good, thank you Jesus, to know why this is important. The spirit realm has it own rules, laws and regulations. It is good that God shares those with us.

Just for fun

Have you ever been traumatized by Halloween? Uh, No. Uh, Yes.

My brother had to take me out trick or treating when I was six. He was 12. He told me while we were out & it was dark & scary, that, your eye can fall out. He said that if it falls out, it will tangle & you will be able to see backwards.

Yep, that traumatized me. I still at 55 have that visual.

"He died fighting for Me"

A few months back a friend of mines son was killed in Iraq. The pain in his parents faces tore at my heart. I did not know the boy, but, both parents have a firm foundation in the Word of God & held tight to that.

I tend to be socially inept in this world, so I stayed out of the way while the church & family tended to their needs. I did, however, go to the funeral.

It was huge. The pomp & circumstance of the military was awesome & the testimony of this boys friends was heart wrenching. In the funeral procession it appeared that time had stopped. Every street that we drove down was full of people paying their respects. People came out of stores, children out of their schools holding banners of thanks & the American flag. The fire department stood at attention as well as the police. It was so moving to see time stop for this young hero.

During the service, I was sitting, minding my own business, when God spoke to me. "He died fighting for me." My first thought, "That's not going to sound very politically correct for me to say." You see I realized right away what God was saying. This young man was fighting for Christianity. For our Christian way of life & the freedom to worship Him. He fought to stopped the radical Islamic extremist from pushing their beliefs on to us.

After the funeral I did not tell anyone this word. I was not sure what it was for. A few weeks later I find out that this boy had been saved as a child but, in his teens had turned from God. Now, I nor his mother, believe that once saved always saved is right. His mother was in torment. She did not know whether he had come back to God in those last days. It appears that he was looking again towards God, but, no one knew where he was at that moment in time of his death.

I still kept quiet. Waiting for God. His mother called and asked if she could come over for prayer. She wanted peace from her torment. Her heart was broken. I mean, this woman was destroyed.

When we sat down I told her what God had said. Her eyes got huge, she sucked in air till her lungs were full & then stared at me. It was a long moment before she spoke. Does that mean he is with God. Terribly difficult question for me. I could only tell her my impressions. My impression from God was that "Yes", this boy was being honored in heaven.

She then told me about a vision she had a week after his death. In the vision she saw her son blow up. He had been in a Humvee & had seen the road side bomb just before it killed him. There were 4 boys in the Humvee 3 were killed. The 4th boy told her that when, her son, saw the bomb he had cried out to God. In her vision she saw the moment of impact & his spirit fly straight up.

I was blessed & so thankful to God. I had recently asked God two questions. One was, when we pass, if we linger before death, do you take our spirit before the body dies. He answered that when I saw the spirit of man leave before death. (read post: spirit of man.) The other question was, if we are in an accident & it is our time, do you take the spirit before impact. He just answered my question through this mother.

I told her what I had been seeking & that through her sons death I had gotten an answer. Gods answer for my question was given in such away & time that I could tell this mother that her son was with God.

I don't believe in coincidence. I believe that everything has a purpose under heaven. That if you let the Lord use you, you will find the miracles of his hand at work. Nothing should go unnoticed. Everything is to His glory. I was minding my own business at that funeral. Never would I have thought that a full circle of questions would be answered by one statement from God. Expect the supernatural.

Walking the line between flesh & forgiveness

I hope this helps someone. God wants me to write about this to reach someone. Maybe it will even help me.

I live and care for my childhood perpetrator. Not only did this person harm me, but, allowed others to harm me. The abuse was such that you read about in the paper today. But, in those days childhood abuse was rarely approached. The abuse perpetrated on myself was sexual, physical & emotional. To the extent that I was made to eat my own feces. My most significant abuser was my mother.

She now has Alzheimer's & has lost the capability to abuse. She now tries to be the mother that God meant her to be. Then, again, maybe this is her abuse. My decision to move her in was based on, "would I want to go to a nursing home". Well, I think that was it. Also, there was the "Honor thy mother & father" command in the Bible.

Forgive? I believe I have forgiven. But, now & then, I feel resentment & anger. These feelings do not feel like they are built on the past, but, more like the present. My erroneous thought is that "you took away my childhood, now, you are taking away my adult life". I was wrong, these feelings are build upon from the past. So, forgive but not forget. Always the struggle for the Christian.

I have told myself that my decision to move her in was to show her honor. I know that I was trying to honor her. I spoke to a pastor about this situation & his thought was that I was to honorable. I don't know how you can be to honorable. He didn't help much. So I kept going looking for my true motives.

One day she came to me crying. She said that she remembered that her brother had molested her as a child. My mind flashed in an incident between her & I years before. She had told me then that when I was seven years old, she had found semen in my underwear. When I asked her what she had done about this she said" nothing." "Brother will be brothers". This allowed the abuse to continue. So, here she is in front of me with the same issue and wanting me to comfort her. Catch every thought to the obedience of God, I thought. I told her I was sorry (even though I wasn't feeling that) & to forgive him.

She became a Christian when I was 18 years old. I had gone to prison for a short time & she sought God for answers. Her behavior did change a bit, but, absolutely no searching of self. She does not see her own wrongs or seek forgiveness. So, I have concerns about her salvation (read posting: Forgiveness). I have tried to go there with her, but, she denies her part in my abuse.

So, what to do with all these feelings & thoughts. We are not to be led by our feelings. They lie to us. I know that I have forgiven her. So, my feelings that come up are a lie from Satan. I respond to these feelings with "I forgave her & forgive daily. I will not fall for your lie." If we fall under the belief that I truly have not forgiven then I will go into depression & hopelessness over my situation. The lie says, you can never forgive. God knows that it is hard to forgive, but, the Bible does not say that it is impossible. Only Satan can put those doubts in your head.

Looking at my motives. They are a bit questionable. I still search for the answer. My flesh & Satan say it is to show her I'm better than her. This is such a negative thought & not in my character, that I doubt this to be true. Honoring? I know that this is in my heart. But, why? The answer is that my heart as been taken over by the Lord Jesus Christ. Whom in His glory sees the goodness in His children. He does not want one to be lost & would care for the most ugly among us. His heart is within me, even though my flesh likes to pop up now & then & say "This is foolish". I continue to catch those thoughts & walk forward in the path of my God.

Thank you for letting me ramble about this & I hope & pray that those who need this are reading. It certainly has helped me. I now understand my motives. To be has much like Jesus as I can & to show His love.

Satan himself

The last few post I have written a lot about hearing & communication. So I thought I write about the time I heard Satan's voice. They say that only a few people have heard the voice of Satan. I don't know that I believe that, but, I know that I heard him speak. The events leading up to this go over a span of months, but, I will bring them all together in this post.

I have written before that when I came to God that my ability to see, smell, feel into the spirit realm increased exponentially. But, I was unaware that this would occur. I certainly did not know what to do about it.

My husband had left early one morning for work. After he left I laid in the bed awake. I felt something crawl into the bed with me. I could feel the weighted and the movement from the foot of the bed moving up closer to me. I knew that it was not human (only through the grace of God) so I did not look. I had no idea what to do. So, I asked God to give me a deep, peaceful & safe sleep. Next thing I knew, I woke feeling rested & safe. No sign of the intruder.

At work I asked a Christian friend what to do. She really did not know, but, she did explain what was happening & suggested I say Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, when it happened again.

Well, many things happened. I would try to sleep & hear my name, or what sounded like a symbol crashing. I'd feel a thump on my head or what felt like a finger sliding down my back. I had a cockatial bird that would sound the alarm when something was about to happen. My husband, who does not have these giftings, would wake me if the bird started to scream & tell
me demons were in the house. The most startled I ever got was when I opened my eyes & right in front of my eyes was the ugliest most distorted demon I have ever seen. I actually screamed on that one.

Mean time I am learning how to walk in the power of the Holy Spirit. So, I am commanding that they leave. This would work at the moment but, they always came back. It became a very intense situation. The demons began to scream & yell at me. It did not matter where I was or what time of day, they were loud and intrusive. I was driving home one night with them screaming & my spirit became concerned. The volume of their voices & my sense of danger seemed increased. I was praying what to do. The more I prayed the less the intensity. If I wained over my prayer, they noise increased. I shouted to God & screamed my prayers, I bound them up till I pulled into my driveway & felt the relief of quiet.

My life was in such havoc. Everyday I endured these attacks. Everyday I spoke the Lord's name to vanquish the enemy. I was growing tired. On a beautiful fall day, I was driving home with the same old screaming & this time seeing the multitudes of demons. I was saying "In the name of Jesus Christ you must leave." They did not stop or if they did it was only for a moment.

Suddenly they stopped. If was so quiet. I had not heard quiet in a long time. Then out of the silence I heard a voice. Santa himself, "If you just come with me, I'll make this stop." Now my immature little brain thought,"I wonder what that would be like?" That thought scared me. I slammed on the brakes & pulled into a ditch. "God, I can't do this without you," I screamed. I then heard the beauty voice of our Father in heaven. "Now, I can work."

I never heard the screaming again. The torment stopped. My life came back into order. Why? Because, I needed to learn that I can say "In the name of Jesus" all day long but, until I learned to get that into my heart it had no power from me. You see, I was intellectualizing the cross & the power that lay behind it. I understood that the name of Jesus could move mountains, but,I did not take to my heart that God was the one doing the work. That through me He worked. I am helpless without Him.

I realize now who I am & what I am in Christ. That those mountains will move through the love of Christ. A lesson hard learned but, a lesson never forgotten.

"My voice is not your own"

Yesterday, I posted about Satan getting into your thoughts. When I was talking about this with my husband God spoke to me. He asked, "Am I in you thoughts?" Well, "Yes". He said, "No, I'm not." "That's how I hear you most of the time." I said. "No. Your thoughts are your own notions & ideations. My voice is not your own."

Well, I had to think on this. It does make sense to me. Even though the sound of His voice is within me, He is not part of my thought process. He is everywhere including (praise God) within me. When you think about it God can't be in the filthiness of my mind. God can't be in the presence of sin. And I am the chief of all sinners. But, His voice is clear in the recesses of my mind.

We talk often and sometimes it seems like our conversations are long. Lately, He has been giving me questions to ponder like this one. I hear Him clearly. Why? Because, I have learned how to distinguish between my thoughts & the voice of God.

I pray, dear reader, that you will ask God to help you distinguish between your thoughts & His voice.

Satan in our thoughts

Yesterday in church we heard an interesting sermon. The subject was that Satan can not get to us directly because we are blessed. He (Satan) must go through someone or something else to get to us.

My husband & I talked about this later in the evening. But, my thoughts went to, does Satan put thoughts into your head. I often hear the lie from hell, that Satan those not know what you are thinking. He knows a lot more than people want to believe.

He knows enough about the plans God has for us to disrupted & destroy them. He knows enough about what we are thinking to try and cause confusion. And in less I'm praying in tongues, he knows my intimate talk with God.

To say that he does not know your thoughts is to believe his lies. I have been asleep & woken up to find a demon choking me. It was doing such a good job that I could not speak. But, in my head, I cried out to my God & took authority over this demon & it stopped. The power of the almighty shuck that demon loose & my words flew out into the spirit realm.

No Satan is not all knowing, but, you need to have some respect for the power that he does have. It is said that the biggest lie that Christians are falling for is that Satan does not exist. Not only are they falling for this, but, they also minimize his power. When we do this we are exposed to his deceptions.

Stand Firm aginst those Demons

Today I was asked to go to a house & cleanse it of oppressive spirits. I get asked to do this a lot. People sense that there is something wrong in their homes. But, don't know what to do or feel like they don't have the ability to take care of it themselves.

This past summer I was called to a house where everyone in the house had been sick for a year. One was even on oxygen. When I went into the living room I didn't sense anything. They told me that when the mother & father go into the garage they always end up in a fight. So, I went to the garage.

When I opened the door, there sitting in the corner on top of this huge stack of boxes was a demon. It looked like he was guarding the boxes. It was a two car garage with one half stacked nearly to the ceiling with boxes.

I went on in with the mom and an intercessor in tow. While I walked towards the demon I caught a whiff of a horrible stench. It was powerful enough that it stopped me in my tracks. I asked what was in that spot. The mother said that a friend had moved to Florida & she was storing her boxes for her. The boxes had been there for a year.

I asked her, what was in the area where the stench was? She said books. But, when she looked down at the books she said. "the witch's bible." Sure enough, sticking out like a sore thumb was a book labeled "The Witch's Bible". "Is this person a witch" I asked. "Well, she dabbles, but, she does not do any spells."

Now, these people are Christian. How could they not know that this was not good. The mother told me that her friend had told her that she would not store any of her witch "stuff" in the garage. Well, that was a lie. When we started looking the place was packed with the "stuff". Then I find a note book. In the note book , hand written, was her friends personal spells. Apparently, she was looking for a man. A specific man. A man she knew. She had all kinds of spells she had said to try & get this man into her life. It didn't work he still wasn't with her.

They start to empty the garage. Before, I started to pray against the presence of this evil. God told me there was jewelry in the house that was used for evil. So I asked & sure enough in the bedroom where the person on oxygen slept was a jewelry box full of satanic medallions. They got rid of that as well.

I prayed over the house & the people living there. Sending that demon to the arid places to dry up and die. God blessed the house. It is clean and the people are now well.

I am amazed that people can sense the presence of evil, but, don't move against it. Why suffer for so long. We Christians need to grow in our faith & believe in the power of the Almighty living God. That through Him we can move mountains. I see so many believe parts of the Word of God, but, fall short of the promises. They don't need me to do this work. They only need to believe that God can & will do anything.

God has told me that that huge part of our brain that we do not use is a conduit to Him. That if we would tap into it, we would soar spiritually. When God told me this, I responded rather badly, not wanting anymore than I already had. I felt like I saw, felt & smelled enough already. It is an ongoing argument with myself & God. But, the point is, God wants us to walk into the spirit realm. He offers it to us in the gifts of the Spirit. I pray that all Christians would become more open & sensitive to the realm of the Holy God.

I made a mistake

Maybe it wasn't a mistake, more like I need to clarity.

In the post "Resurrection of the body" I wrote of the body decaying & in "I thought I was alone", I wrote that I have seen the dead.

To clarify I have seen dead people. The first was at age 12. It was my grandfather. Whenever I see a dead person it has been for the comfort of someone. I don't talk to them - I already know what they are there for - as I said to comfort. If this does not seem biblically correct read:

Matthew 27:52-53 (New International Version)

52The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. 53They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people.

I don't believe that my seeing the dead has anything to do with the decay of the body or the resurrection of the body. I know that if I go and dig up my grandfather there would be nothing there but bones. But, I have seen him clearly in the spirit realm.

As for the resurrected body I believe it is as I said in the previous post. Hard to believe that what you see now is what you get then.

Resurrection of the body

In my post Spirit to Spirit communication I asked the reader this question:

If your spirit can communicate with my spirit outside of your fleshes participation, does that make the spirit separate from the flesh?

I got a wonderful response for Desert Cat:

I would say "not necessarily". What most people think of as their "self", that is their waking awareness is only a small part of the totality of their being.

We dream without being consciously engaged in the process, though we sometimes remember. Our subconscious is quite busy below the surface. The myriad complexities of our bodies function quite well without our need to consciously direct what is going on at all times. So it shouldn't be surprising that our spirit works outside of our conscious mind being directly engaged all of the time.**

Now that doesn't say whether or not we're composed of a bunch of discrete components that are somehow associated together as one "person", but I tend to doubt it. I tend to believe body soul and spirit are integrated, though capable of independent action. Else why did God raise Jesus physically from the dead and why would God be concerned about resurrecting our bodies at the end of the age? Surely we can enjoy his presence without them? Yet we would not be complete.

**in fact, I think God gave us the gift of tongues for this very reason--because sometimes our conscious mind interferes with what God's Spirit and our spirit needs to accomplish. What better way to cut it out of the loop than to speak in a language unknown to it?"

I agree that with function well in a disassociative state. "Was that light green when I drove through it"? Of course it was, we function just fine, without even knowing it. I, also, agree that we are some how interconnected flesh to spirit. What I'm not so sure on is the resurrection of our bodies. I, believe that this will happen, what I'm not sure on is the body part.

I have seen a spirit leave a body that has past(Posting: Spirit of man). That Spirit went back to God. That spirit that had been in a man for 64 years, left & went to God. The body decayed. I've also seen a decayed body (Post: They have not my beauty). I know & believe that God can & will do anything, but, I believe the resurrected body to be something other than flesh. God has not shown me what this would look like & I'm not saying that He has told me this. It is just something that is in the details of what God has been ministering to me for the last week.

The flesh and the body do disconnect in death. The spirit lives. The connection is lost to the physical realm. When the spirit of man leaves it's vessel after death, does it leave with the same characteristics it came into time with?

I think I'm in their head

Ok, this is where folks start calling me a witch or psychic, but, I'm none of those things. I follow the word of God & believe that I am gifted with a minority of people. Actually, that is not true. I believe that everyone has the same abilities I do, they just need to learn to walk in it.

I had a strange request ask of me. A groom wanted someone to come to his wedding rehearsal and prophesy over his bride & himself. Never heard of such a thing but, found it a good idea. So, I went. It was fun and God had very uplifting words for them.

But, towards the end when I looked at the groom I saw, in a vision, body parts flying through the air. Children bleeding and could hear explosions. I asked him if he was in the military, he was, a Calvary scout. I asked if he'd been to Iraq, he had, two times. I told him he had seen horrific things, multiple times, he agreed. But, I did not have a word from God on this matter.

I waited for a short moment and heard nothing. Didn't even get an impression. I told him that he'd be able to use these events to help others in their walk with God & to show them how to get through emotionally with God.

I realized later that I did not hear from God because these pictures and sounds were not from God, I had gotten into his head. It has happened before, but, I did not realized it. So, ok, I can get into peoples head to know their thoughts and memories. When I write this, I can only see it as another gift from God. Even though I did not hear God's voice when I saw those pictures from inside his head, God had to of given me those pictures.

A lot of the time when we look at the gifts from God. We look at them with shallow eyes. What is prophecy without going into the depths of God Himself. Without an intimate relationship with Him prophesy is not possible. What are the compartments of prophesy. Is it just hearing or sensing what God is telling you or is it much more. Quit putting God in a box. Open your eyes to the fact that God is endless and His gifts are endless. If I have the gift of discerning of spirits, how can I discern if I can not see, sense, know what is happening in the spirit realm. It is not a guess as to what spirit it is, it is by knowledge of that realm. So if I can see into the spirit realm and have a deep relationship with God does it not then conclude that God is giving one access to more gifts. Taking you into a deeper understanding of gifts.

If we were to allow God to flow the way he wants, if we accepted supernatural events from God, if we did not question those who are gifted in ways that we do not understand then we may see the miraculous workings of the Holy Spirit.

I am not saying except everything that you see without question. I am saying that God moves in mysterious ways, we need to quit putting Him in a box. Let Him out & see what He is up to. It may just set you free in enjoy the extravagance of God.

Spirit to spirit communication

God has been talking to me about our spirits. I can't share right now what He is saying because I'm not quite clear on it. It is quite complicated. But, everyday I pray about what He would have me tell you the reader & today He does want me to tell about my experience speaking spirit to spirit.

I had been on a retreat. I had started a fast the day before. At the retreat I went into a 24 hour intense prayer time. There were a lot of women there who were on a bondage breaking weekend. So, they would come to me when they were ready to have their soul & spirit ties broken. I sat in a room alone till they were ready. This was a wonderful time with God. I was so deep in pray that I could see with incredible clarity into the spirit realm.

Late into my 24 hours a woman was brought into see me. I was aware of her presence, but, felt very set apart from reality. I started to pray for her & became lost in my prayer. I could hear myself speaking in a tongue that seemed, well, not of this world. I could also, hear her praying, but, was so lost in the course of what was happening that I really didn't notice what was happening. Then the woman said "What are we doing?"

She kind of startled me back to this world. I looked at her for a minute, trying to get my bearings. Then I realized what had been happening. My spirit had been talking to her spirit. This was new to me. Didn't know this kind of thing every happened. It happened a few more times that day. With one woman we were clearly speaking German. I don't know German.

It has become easier for me to communicate with someones spirit. I'm no longer surprised by it. But, what is it for? Why do it? What is the benefit?

Clearly, God has reasons for this to occur. What I have found is that there is a sense of comfort in the receiver of this communication. They feel relief and peace. I, on the other hand, don't feel any of this release. I do, however, feel gratitude to God for bringing this person such release.

It is rare for me to get the feel goods, that I see others get. I have felt the power of God & have been forced down to my knees under that power. But, that glow that I see others get or that sense of well being - never happens.

God is bringing me revelation about the spirit that lives within us. I'm not talking about the Spirit of God. I'm talking about our spirit. I do know that He is showing me something different than what is the excepted by the majority.

Let me pose a question. If your spirit can communicate with my spirit outside of your fleshes participation, does that make the spirit separate from the flesh?

Arguing with God "repost"

Is it ok to argue with God? I sure hope so, because I've been arguing with Him for a long time.

I remember the first time I tried to get out of something. I was working with the severely mentally ill in the community. I'd taken one to see his doctor. Sitting in this crowded waiting room, I saw a woman seating in front of me. Soon as I saw her, I heard God say, "Go tell her I love her." Now, I was not quite as confident as I am now. So my first reaction was, "I don't think so."

I heard Him again. "Go tell her I love her." "I don't know her, I don't want to.." Then in a very strong & forceful voice, God said, "GO TELL HER I LOVE HER!" Up I went.

I was quite timid about going to her. She had her body turned to the side so you could not see her face & she was hunched over. I wasn't real fast about getting there, hoping that her name would be called to see the doctor. I sat down beside her & touched her hand. She turned to look at me with swollen red eyes. The tears were stilling flowing down her face.

I said, "I don't know you, but, God said to tell you He loves you." She gasp & then smiled. "I am a Christian & I was thinking about killing myself. I have felt so alone." I was rather dumb struck at this point. Still a baby in Christ, my wisdom & revelation were in short supply. She thanked me & said that she would be alright now.

A prophet told me not long ago, that God likes it that I argue with Him. This would be a good thing for me, because, I still argue with Him. God has a sense of humor, I've seen it at work. Maybe, He enjoys watching me squirm for a bit. He knows he is going to win. My arguing with the Creator of the Universe is rather futile. He always wins.

My biggest argument has been over my future. He showed me a bit of it & I recoiled. What I saw was not anything I would want in my life. Why would He show me His plan for me, knowing that I would run from it. I believe it was to prepare me & for me to come into a place of acceptance. I'm still running a bit. Satan comes to me & tries to get me to believe that I have made these things up in my head. But, I know the voice of God & I know what I saw in the vision. It would be easier for me to fallen into the trap the Satan continues to try on me, Much easier than following the plans God has laid out for me. But, I will keep my eyes were they belong, catch every thought to the obedience of God & move toward that goal.

Holy Spirit - door way to the supernatural

The other day, a friend was speaking to me about problems she was having. She was depressed and looking to God for answers. I felt for her, so I asked God, "What do you have for her." What I heard send a shock wave through my entire body. "I'm mad at you right now."

That is not something you want to hear from God. I was terrified. I couldn't wait for my friend to leave so I could find out what was the problem. Or did I want to know what was going on. Could I fix what was going on, or was it beyond my reach?

After she left I sat down on my front porch & asked God, "What are you mad at me about?" His response, "You are not God to everyone, I am." I thought about this a minute, then asked, "But, God you need to teach me how to teach them to hear you."

God reminded me of a book that I read when I first became a Christian. "Holy Spirit Power" by Charles Spurgeon. In the book he mentions praying to the Holy Spirit. Which I did when I early on. God showed me that we (His children) pray to God & pray to Jesus, but, the majority neglected praying to the Spirit of God. We call upon Him for miracles & comfort, but, we neglect to praise Him nor to have conversations with Him.

I have always had a relationship with the Spirit of God. I believe God has been showing me that because of that relationship the doorways to the supernatural have been open to me. It is true that I have always had a gifting for this, but, it escalated to incredible heights after my salvation. Can this be developed in those who do not feel they have no ability to see into the spirit realm? Yes!

Develop your relationship with the Holy Spirit. Get close, Thank Him, praise Him. Be sensitive to the space around you. Don't doubt that God will bless you. Walk in the Power of the Holy Spirit. Jesus left Him here so we could do "Greater works." Have you noticed we are not doing greater works. Why don't we walk in this promise. I believe it is because most believe it is for others not for them. It is for everyone. We should not neglect this verse or write it off for others. I claim this verse for myself. I will move mountains & see the glory of God here on earth.

Be intimate with the Spirit of God. He is so close to you. Walk with Him, let Him teach you. Enjoy the glorious triune.

Forgiveness

A few years back I was asked to pray for a man who was terminally ill with cancer. He was given 3 months to live. Now, whenever I pray for someones healing I ask the Lord if healing is what he wants. I know, some of you are saying, God always wants healing. If this were the case, then there would be no death.

We are allowed a certain amount of days on this earth. There is a time to die. Death is never pretty, so just because the death is from cancer, does not always mean it is not of God. I say it again. God told me that "Your finite mind looks upon something & sees ugly or evil, then defines it as Satan. How dare you, how to you know that it is not my hand at work." Because, of this, I always ask God what he is doing in a situation. I, also, do not want to get ahead of God. Just maybe it is this persons time to pass on to God.

So, I asked God, "Do you want me to pray healing for this man?" God's reply was only, "Pray."
So I went to the man to pray. He was one of the most righteous men I have ever met. What a blessing it was in my life to know him. He had peace & an intimate relationship with God.

I would meet with him weekly & pray for the Holy Spirit to minister to him. He told me that whenever we prayed together he felt less pain. This was not all I wanted for him, but, it was, I thought, why I was there. Every week he seemed a bit weaker but, continued to find peace in God.

One day, while I was getting ready to go & see him, I asked God - or I started to ask God - He answered me before I could get the question out. I asked, "Is he going to die?" God answered "Yes." "Then what am I doing? What is the reason that I am there?" God's answer was alarming. "He has unforgiveness in his heart."

Ok, I thought, I'll speak to him, but, felt that he would deny any unforgiveness. Sure enough when I asked him he said he did not believe that he had unforgiveness in him. I prayed with him & ask him to search himself for unforgiveness & that I'd be back next week.

When I returned he told me that he had found unforgiveness in his heart. It broke him. He wept over his sin & asked God to forgive him & he forgave himself & the person he had not been able to forgive. It was a beautiful moment. The Holy Spirit came to him & we both fell into His presence.

This man passed to be with God a few weeks later. I wondered from time to time about the whole event. This was a righteous man, a man who walked close to God, who put God first. Why was it God used me in such a way.

A year later I was in a class watching a video. The man talking told a story. He said that he'd had a dream & in the dream his mother-in-law had died & he saw her in hell. He spoke to God about this. "Why is she in hell? She was a righteous women, she loved you." God said, "She had unforgiveness in her heart." I about fell off my chair. I could not believe what I had just heard. Why, can unforgiveness keep us from heaven?

I do believe it is dangerous to our eternity to have unforgiveness. How much unforgiveness do you have in your heart? For the man that I prayed with, I believe it was about rewards in Heaven. He was a wonderful child of God & I believe God honored him by using me to bring him greater rewards. As for the rest of us, we need to search ourselves with untiring prayer. Forgiveness is the center to all we are. To forgive is to open up doorways for God to move in your life. It is what Jesus did for us. Does it keep us from heaven? Well, if my unforgiveness brings me to bitterness, anger or a hard heart then probably. But, if I continue to forgive, to work on my unforgiveness & walk as much like Jesus as I can, then I believe God is sooo forgiving.

The man I prayed for was about rewards - I don't believe he would have been kept from heaven even if he had not found the unforgiveness. But, it does show that this is so important in your walk. Do not neglect your feelings towards others. God knows your deepest feelings & will show you these hidden angers. Just ask Him

Healed

In 2001 I was diagnosed with Lupus. It was quite frightening. I'd only been a Christian a few years & was having some difficulty understanding. I had begun to walk in the Healing ministry & had seen God heal a few people by using me, but, here I was ill.

Lupus is a strange Illness. Your body attacks itself. It will attacked & kill any organ it wants. I did my research & realized I was in trouble. "Lean upon the Lord". That is all I had. There is no cure for Lupus & it is a try & see with maintaining your health.

A few months after I was diagnosed I got water on my heart. This caused the Doctors to put me on steroids. Now, the Lupus had already messed up my thyroid so I had gained weight, but, with the steroids I gained 150 pounds. I had always been thin, sometime to thin - this was difficult for me. Not, difficult in the esteem department, difficult for me to carry around. So, I end up on a cane.

God told me one night that I would be sick for two years. This was good news - not knowing if he meant I'd be dead or healed- either way it was good news. But, I forgot this word from God in the mist of the pain, test & weariness.

I ended up taking 30 pills a day. After the diagnosis of Lupus, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, asthma, irritable bowel, acid reflects, skin writing syndrome, arthritis, - there's more but, can't remember. It left me with brain damage & autoimmune of the inner ear. I was so terribly sick.

In all of this God continued to use me. I my counseling practice people continued to be healed through the laying on of hands, inner healings, deliverance, & prayer. Their faith that God still worked through me says a lot about God's grace. Those people & my church prayed for me daily. My pastor layed hands on me every Sunday. It was a long hard two years.

My doctor was at a loss. He is a good Christian man. He told my husband & I that he had never seen someone get so sick so fast. We would go to see him & get bad news but, my husband & myself would not take it to heart. I would never claimed the illness. If asked what was wrong with me, I would say that I'd been diagnosed with Lupus. Never took it to be mine. If my thoughts went to the negative I would, "Catch every thought to the obedience of God" & throw that thought out. I'd replace it with praise to the Almighty Living God. You can't have a bad thought when you are in praise of the Lord.

Finally, the Doctor said, we only have one more thing we can do for you. That is chemotherapy.
Oh, I did not want that. My body was so torn up, run down, beat up - I didn't think I could take much more.

Tight after this, without my knowledge, 8 friends- including my husband- went on a forty day fast & prayer for me. I kept trying to get my husband to eat. I had no idea what they were doing. On the second week I, praise be to God, came out of the Lupus. Healed, I was Healed.

God in His great mercy Healed me. The doctor said it is a miracle. He had never seen such a come back. But, he would not say I was healed nor in remission. Just that he was amazed. The witness it gave to the church & others was huge. There was no other explanation except supernatural healing from the Living God.

It was 2 years that I was sick. Just like God had said. 2 years. Now, 2 years after that, I get a medical report from my doctor. He had taken blood work & found the the Lupus markers in my body are suppressed. No Lupus. He now believes I am a walking miracle.

I am a walking miracle. I speak of this often & if Satan tries to make me disbelieve I say "I'm not falling for that. I am Healed". "No weapon formed against me will prosper." I believe that if we keep our eyes on God, that if we hold on to, that we are "wonderfully & perfectly made", that if we have faith that God can & will do anything, that God is the same yesterday, today & tomorrow, that you will see the hand of God move.

Faith is everything. Build your faith. Hold firm to the promises of God. I do, I will, I can.

The audible voice of God

The first time I heard the audible voice of God I thought I had lost my mind. I had been working with the severely mentally ill & thought I had lost it.

I lived 60 miles from my work. I loved the drive to & from work, it gave me a lot of time to worship the Lord. This day I was on my way home. I really had not been a Christian very long, so I had nothing to judge what was happening on.

I noticed a hawk standing on the side of the road. I thought it odd, but, thought he had caught his diner. A 100 yards later there was another hawk sitting on the side of the road. This went on for at least 10 miles. My thoughts were, - What is happening? Is this a message from God? Am I ok?

When I turned onto a dirt road - It stopped. Now, I'm looking for hawks. I'm looking in the sky, on the side of the road, on fences post, anywhere, but, no hawks. Truly, I was feeling unnerved.

The dirt road is 8 miles of harsh flint rock to my home. For 6 of those miles I was looking everywhere for hawks. At the 6th miles I heard a voice. "No predator will every cross your land".

What? I spoke out loud "Oh, I need to go to lockup". I pulled into my driveway & began to realize that I had heard from God himself. I started to praise Him for His glory & was so very humbled that He had spoken to me.

After I came down off of my high. I thought about what He had said. Made no sense to me. I lived on 120 acres of land. I was relived no predator would cross it. My husband said he felt safe from the world intruding on us. I felt that this must be right. That God was saying that our land was a sanctuary.

God speaks so many times in parables. We need to learn to walk slowly in our faith. Not to jump to conclusions nor believe everything we are told. I was such a bay in Christ at this time. I had no idea what God was doing or saying.

Over time I came to the understanding of what he really meant. He was giving me a word that I could hold onto & lean on when things got rough for me. "No predator will ever cross your land."
What He is saying is that, those who would feed off of me, who want to destroy what God is doing with & in me will never succeed. I have had many try. Satan can use anyone who is vulnerable to his schemes. But, none have been successful. I hold tightly to those audible words from God. I know that He is my strength, my strong tower, my life.

To God be the glory. Without Him I would have fainted & faded away a long time ago.

Purpose

Isaiah 61:1 1The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound.

This is the Bible verse that speaks to my purpose here on this earth.

My name means to reflect the light of Jesus.

My purpose statement is: "I am to honor and walk with God. To walk in the giftings that He has given me. To heal the sick in body, soul and spirit. To bring healing to the church through the laying on of hands, the prophetic, and with spiritual eyes. I will walk in my uniqueness, making disciples and following my God with obedience to His calling.."

I pretty well knew what my purpose was, but, I did take a class at my church that help you to find your purpose. I now help out with this class & have seen many women find freedom & purpose through it.

When I first became a Christian, I was concerned about my gifts. Not really knowing they were gifts, because of their uniqueness. I have been called, by other Christians, a witch, lead by Satan, a demon chaser & physic. None are true. But, this did catch me off guard & cause me to second guess what was really happening to me.

I have come to a place of peace. I know what God is doing with me & for me. Purpose is important to the life of a Christian. It gives you vision & goals. The Word of God says that we are to make converts. I was concerned with this, thinking, that is not something that I do. I have brought some to the Lord, but, that is not were I seem to be focused. Then God showed me that I was bringing people to Him. His children that were lacking in faith, who were held in bondage or were walking a fine line. I am humbled by God. Still not understanding why He uses me nor blesses me. For I am the "Chief of sinners."

I was an Atheist

Yes, I was an atheist.

My mother sent me to church when I was a child, but it didn't take very well. When I was in t
5th grade I asked my dad if it were better to be a good atheist or a bad Christian & he told me a bad Christian. This did not calculate in my tiny brain.

I can't remember much of my childhood because I was abused sexually, physically & emotionally. I use to think I could not be whole if I did not remember the past. But, God has shown me different & why would I ever want to remember those things anyways. God has healed me from the past and that is what matters.

Because of my lack of memory, I can't remember when I started to truly see into the spirit realm. The first thing I remember is waking up & seeing my grandfather standing at the end of my bed. He lived in Indiana & I was in California. I didn't speak to him, but, instead turned over. A minute or two later my mother came in to tell me he had died in Indiana. I didn't tell her what I had seen. My mother was a cruel woman & would of, more than likely punished me.

I couldn't believe in a kind & loving God. There seemed to be nothing kind nor loving about this world. So, I chose to believe that we are energy & that when we died we were absorbed back into the universe. My answer to why I saw things, was that my brain was misfiring. I, also, learned how to turn off these events in my life.

My life was all over the place. I tried everything. But, nothing brought me peace. I, however, was proud to be an atheist. A good atheist. I would argue my point with Christians & think that they were weak minded individuals. I stood up for abortion & declared Christians as fearful, angry, hateful people. Never realizing what a closed mind I had.

I was blaming God for the harm put on me as a child. Those who abused me claimed Jesus as their Savior. I never questioned that they were not walking in the true steps of the Living God. I was blinded by my pain.

I know now, that to be truly saved is to repent. To turn your back on your sin & to walk against the flow. I'm always amazed at those who believe they are different from the majority. They have no idea what it truly takes to be different. To swim up stream, to take the persecution, to live as if you are not of this world.

I have been in training all of these years to be strong enough to stand up against the majority. All the past is being used by God to bring light to the world. To heal & save the loss. I have no regrets over the things of my past. No anger, no pain. I have forgiven and moved on to the Glory of God. It is only through Him that I no longer live a life all over the place. I know the truth and the truth has set me free.

I really do not think there is much of a difference between a bad Christian & a good atheist. Both are in trouble spiritually & both have the same opportunity for change.

"They have not My beauty" continued

Several months before Phil passed, I had been at a meeting with a hand full of Christians. They were chatting to each other when I heard one say, "You know that what Satan has meant for evil God will turn to good." At that moment God said to me in a not so happy voice, "Stop saying that. You have turned My words into a cliche. In your finite minds you look at something & see ugly & define it as evil. How dare you. How do you know that what you define as ugly or evil is not My hand at work." This taught me to reassess everything I see & hear. Now, if I see something that I may define as ugly or evil I ask God,"What are you doing here?"

When I left Phil's apartment that night I began to talk to God. I had been calm & put together up till then. I could not get the smell or sight of Phil out of my mind. But, when I prayed I had one question. "God, I don't understand. You say that we are wonderfully & perfectly made. That was not perfect or wonderful. How can our bodies become so disgusting?"

Now, I know to you (the reader) this question may seem silly. The answer looks pretty obvious. But, there was a dept to my question that even I did not understand. I did however, keep asking the same question, but, God was silent. He was not talking to me.

I went home and washed my clothes, took a shower & put lotion on that I continued to wear under my nose for the next twenty four hours. It covered up the stench that I could not get away from. I did not sleep much that night. I just kept asking "Why?"

The next day I looked for help everywhere. Had women praying for me, talked to my pastor, and tried to read my Bible. I could not concentrate on reading & God still wasn't talking.

My husband & I went to Phil's apartment & moved out the mattress,pillows and rug. Then we went to burn them at his parents. I found Phil at 8:30 pm the previous night. We arrived at Dwayne's parents home at 8:00 pm the next. I felt so lost & confused. I needed God to talk to me & yet he was so silent. I was beginning to get desperate for answers. I broke away from the family and walked outside. Looking up at the night sky, I actually yelled, "God, talk to me." Then God began to speak.

"I have shown you a body that has not My beauty. There are many that walk among you that have not My beauty & you are sensitive to them.' Now, I really had no idea what that meant, but, I was so happy & relived that God was again talking to me that my memory of the event began to fade as well as the smell. I ran in & told everyone what God had said. "What does that mean." That stopped me for a second but, then I was off again with joy knowing that God answers all prayers & that He would make clear what He was saying.

I went home to pray & read the Word of God. Still I could not Read my Bible. I sat it down & picked up the book of Enoch. In Enoch it said, that angles still fall from heaven & mate with human women & then create giants. I heard God, at that moment "They have not my beauty."

I should give you a little history of Enoch just in case you do not know. Enoch was a friend of God. God called him friend. Everyday God & Enoch would walk together & talk. One day God & Enoch waled off together & Enoch never returned. I want to be like Enoch. To have God take me into His confidence. It says in the Word of God that he will take you into His confidence & I pray for that often. Enoch wrote down His conversations with God. The book of Enoch. It was included in the Old testament. Jesus even quoted from Enoch. But, at one point in time, it was taken out of the old testament. It was decided that it was to deep, frightening and confusing. I read Enoch.

So, I believe that God was telling me that he purposely showed me, "I have shown you", a body "without His beauty" to tell me that there are people on this earth who have not the Spirit of God. That are formed to do evil. He gave me an example. Here in the city of Wichita, Ks. there was a serial killer named BTK. He terrorized our city for thirty years. He came from a good family and had a good up bringing. Yet, the evil in him was & is so dark that he even took one of his victims & put her on the altar of his church. Already dead, he laid her there to fulfill one of his sexual fantasies. "He has not my beauty."

This event was not pretty, but, it was of God. I was the only one concerned about Phil, because that was the way it was suppose to be. This was designed by God for me. He took me into His confidence & showed me the unknown. One of the things he said was that I was "sensitive to them." This is very true. But, I can honestly say that even though I can feel the evil around me, I have never been around someone that is completely void on His beauty. I can only assume that I am being prepared for that time. In God's mercy I will be ready.

My dear reader, "There are many that walk among you that have not "His" beauty." Stay in prayer. Be concerned about your brother or sister. We have the beauty of God. Let's let in shine.

If this seems confusing or vague let me know & I'll try to explain more clearly. It is, at times, difficult to describe the things of God with our limited vocabulary.

"They have not My beauty"

Two years ago in January, I got a phone call from a friend who happened to rent an apartment from my husband & myself. I have known him since he was nine. He is as they say "intellectually challenged".

In his call he said that He had not seen another tenant in a few days & that there was a smell in his apartment. I really was not sure of if he understood what he could be describing, but, I knew I had to check it out. I went to my husband, who had fallen asleep early with a migraine. "Dwayne, Phil may be dead. We need to go over there." His response was, "If he is dead now, he will be dead in the morning." I did not care much for that response & felt that I had to go. I felt compelled to go, as if I had no choice.

I got into the car & while on the drive there, I phoned the manager of our properties. I told her the situation & asked her to get me a key. She was rather put off by the whole thing & told me it was to far for her to drive. My thought went to "What is wrong with this world? Does no one care? What is the matter with me that I am out here in the night looking to find a dead person?

When I arrived, I went to Calvin's apartment. I could not smell anything. I told him that the manager had said that she thought Phil was in the hospital. Calvin said that this is wrong, that he had been back from the hospital for a while & that his bedroom light had been on a few days. This got my attention.

I went to the window of Phil's bedroom. Blinds were pulled down. But, I noticed that I could see through the cracks in between each of the blinds. I peaked, thought I saw something on the bed, but, was not sure. I pulled my body upwards & peaked into another crack. Did I see what I thought I saw? I lifted my body up on the tips on my toes & peaked in yet another crack.

There he was. I could see his feet, although they did not look the right color or shape of feet. I could see his calves & his shoulders that cushioned his head while he rested on his stomach. There was no movement & no life left in him. I lowered myself to my feet and said the Calvin. "He's dead".

I called the police & my manager to ask if she would at least send maintance over to unlock the door. When the paramedics arrived they just pushed the window a bit & it gave. The smell was overwhelming. Silence filled the yard. We all stared into the bedroom & then a paramedic ask me, "Does he always look like that?" "What?" "I don't believe so."

Phil had been dead for over a week. He was an obese man whom over the past months had retained a great deal of water & had swollen to an immense size. I did not know that when you pass & are left to the elements of a hot house, that your internal organs begin the turn to liquid. Phil's mid section appeared to be gone. His body fluids had seeped through his mattress and the floor below.

The neighborhood filled with the stench of death. The lights of police, fire & rescue vehicle's lite up the night. Policemen vomited & spit as they left the house with the rookie of the bunch continually being sent back in to look for family phone numbers and to search for drugs.

I watch and waited. When the coroner came & moved him the stench increased with such intensity that I found myself walking backwards to escape the smell. I felt for these men. When they came out & put Phil in the van, they walked around the yarn with a dazed look on there faces. "This was a bad one," one said.

Finally, hours later, I got into my car to drive home. I started talking to God. "I don't understand. You say, "we are wonderfully & perfectly made". How can this happen?"
It seems like a weird question. I understand the dead of a body, but, I could not get the question out of my mind. God was silent. It would be twenty four hours later before I would here from Him & get an answer to my question.

The answer next time.