Blogging is such great fun because I can get out some of those dark things that lay inside of me that I'd otherwise ignore. So, I'm straying from the subject of Supernatural Christian today and getting something out.
I struggled yesterday. I struggled with a lot of different thoughts, most that were not uplifting. I think it was because it was my birthday and I turned 56 years old.
It is weird to be on the down side of life. Even the term "down side of life" is awkward to write. This is a strange time for me. I don't usually look backwards but, it's always been hard for me to look to the future, so I concentrate on today.
But, now, it would seem that I need to look forward. How much time do I have left. I look at my mother, who is still with me, and think she's got 29 years on me. But, she is healthy, with exception of the Alzheimer's. There is no chronic disease nibbling on her internal organs, one bite at a time.
So, my day yesterday, was full of thoughts of death. I don't fear death, but, I don't look forward to it either. Wanting to see what becomes of the things on this earth. Wanting to experience it all. But, there is not a lot I can do about that, so i struggled yesterday with what the outcome of my life would be in the end.
Ouch, when you look at the world and those who have impacted it with their wisdom, brilliance and talent, ouch. Do I have time to do that,NOOOOOOO. Is it in the plans for me to impact the world in a huge way, Doubt it. So, I asked God, "What am I doing here?"
I know my purpose and God has reminded me of that. To bring His children into a closer relationship with Him. I do do that, but my isolation from the world limits the number of people that I minister to. So, when I reflect on that, I feel so less than. So, I speak to God again. "I can only reach a few." He comforts me with. "The few you reach are the few I want you to reach." "When you are done, I will take you home."
Do I feel better? Somewhat. Still looking at the "downside of life". But, knowing that I still have worth and purpose from God sustains me. Keeping my eyes on the now, like I have always done is where I need to be. Not defining myself by disease nor time is important to my quality of life. The true definition of who I am is in the words of God. Wonderfully and perfectly made.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Posted by Given55 at 7:15 AM