My heart has been heavy with the sense of dread. I have spent time in prayer and I, actually, asked for prayer last night in a group. I rarely ask for prayer in these kinds of situations. In this group last was, also, attended by my prophetic team. The prayers there moved me.
Dread, I suppose, could be defined as a sense of doom. That would be a good description of my feelings. All this because, my pastor as given blessing to the prophetic team. His blessing sent a ripple of feelings through me that lingered and sent me to my prayer closet.
I have, over the years, started many programs at the church. All with a sense of joy and new beginnings. These programs bloomed and were a joy to start. But, with time, I became the target of rumors, lies and face to face accusations. I learned how to let these things roll off of me and to realize these words were about them not me. But, I grew tired of them and I find myself, now, not wanting to go there again.
This is a conversation, in part, that I had with my pastor this weekend. Pastor: "You have very special gifts and this(the team) is going to get big.". Given55: "I don't really want to do this. It is God's vision for me not my vision." Pastor: "I don't believe that to be true. I believe you do want this and you should embrace this with joy." Given55: "I see your point. I do spiritually want what God wants. But, my flesh does not want this."
So, my flesh has been crawling with dread. Foreseeing, maybe wrongly, the negative assault of the people.
Then there is the responsibility. I am now, not only responsible for what comes out of my mouth, but responsible for what comes out of the mouths of my team. This may sound horrible but, healing ministry is easy in comparison. In healing one can always say, "well if your not healed, it is probably your lack of faith," or "You must have sin in your life." I have never done that, but have heard others say these things. It seems they have a built in escape route. The prophetic has a grave responsibility with it.
So, there you have it. "I DON"T WANT TO"' was were I have been for a few days. As I looked to God on this issue, He brought me several things. One came from a blog I like to read. "Random Reflections" Her post was about sickness, but it moved me with and I needed to hear again,
"For I know the plans that I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope".
I grabbed onto that verse yesterday and held tight. I, also, remembered long ago, when Mark Bubeck ministered to me and told me I need to memorize Psalms 91.
1 He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust.”
3 Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler[a]
And from the perilous pestilence.
4 He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be your shield and buckler.
5 You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,
Nor of the arrow that flies by day,
6 Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,
Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
And ten thousand at your right hand;
But it shall not come near you.
8 Only with your eyes shall you look,
And see the reward of the wicked.
9 Because you have made the LORD, who is my refuge,
Even the Most High, your dwelling place,
10 No evil shall befall you,
Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;
11 For He shall give His angels charge over you,
To keep you in all your ways.
12 In their hands they shall bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.
13 You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,
The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.
14 “Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him;
I will set him on high, because he has known My name.
15 He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him,
And show him My salvation.”
God uses the strangest people to get His work done. For myself, I am not much of a people person and yet He has surrounded me with people. I'd prefer to stay home and be alone, but this is not what He has for me and I will go forward. As for the joy. I am not quite there yet, I have, however, lost the sense of dread. My safety and covering is in the Lord. I will walk in the steps that He has laid before me and know that He is my comforter and my God.
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