Thursday, April 24, 2008

A Time to Die

It is 10:47 at night. I am sitting in a hospital beside the bed of my mother. Today I made the decision to take her off all medical help. So, now I wait.

We do a lot of waiting in our life time. We wait for the baby to be born, we wait for the bride to walk down the aisle. We wait for the beginning and we wait for the end. We wait in line and we wait for the pain to stop. But, this is the longest wait of my life.

I watch her chest rise and fall and think ahead to that last moment when it no longer rises. When my mother is no longer a part of my everyday existence and I no longer hear her voice. That is a time I wish would never come. But, I sit and wait for that moment knowing I can not stop time.

I chose to make this wait stop. I told the doctors "no more". And yet, I have my doubts that I did the right thing. Knowing it is the right decision and feeling it is right are two different things. My feelings are drowning in a sea of tears.

The wait could take a while. "No one knows" is what the doctor said. He added that, "her heart is strong, but it is failing." I wondered at the contradiction, but understood that she was not going to come back to me. So, morphine is the drug of comfort and now she sleeps. But, I do not. I sit and wait. Watching her chest rise and fall. Waiting for her to leave me.


Kat said...

My heart and prayers go out to you. I'm so sorry. I know this season is very difficult.

My Mom recently walked through that same process with her father. It was heart-wrenching and beautiful all at the same time.

May you sense the nearness and tenderness of Him who never sleeps.

Anonymous said...

My Mom passed away 9 years ago. I was also at her bedside. Also the long walk with lupus, that I, also, know so well.

Although there was a certain 'relief' that the unbearable agony she went through has ended, I still grieve for the loss of my closest friend & confidente.

It gives me peace though, to know that she walks with Him beside still waters...

I'm looking at her photo next to my bed now. Underneath a little quotation:'If mothers were flowers, you will be the one I pick.'

DadCat said...

It is good that you will be there for her when she passes. An obligation to the Church forced me to leave my Mother's side only moments before she passed on that Sunday night many years ago.
I never forgave that Church for depriving me of my right to hold my Mother's hand as she passed from this life.

Anonymous said...

May the God of all comfort be with you and yours.

With tears in my eyes and a prayer in my heart, I send my love to you tonight.

Aunt D.

Given55 said...

Thank you, all, so very much. My emotions are all over the place, but your comments bring to and remind me of whose hands this is really in.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you today. Wondered if
you were thinking of a Memorial to
Celebrate your mom's Life! May our
Jehovah Shalom be real to you today
and give you comfort and strength
and restful sleep. from-a-friend