"Surrender all" that's the way the song goes. "I surrender all".
Every once in a while, especially when I least expect it, God will reveal to me a weakness, sin or perhaps a control issue in my life. He rarely lets me know these things through a word or dream. It is usually in a round about way that I find fascinating.
As many of you know, my mother broke her hip about five weeks ago. She then had to be put into a nursing home and last week developed heart and kidney failure and pneumonia. She continues to be very ill and my brother, Only in His Service, and I are there most of the time. Especially, my brother.
She is not eating very well. Hardly at all. So, my brother and I have taken it upon ourselves to be there every meal and try to get her to eat. While there I pray and ask God questions. He has been very slow to answer my questions.
I will look at my mother and wonder why she is holding on so long. I have seen, over the years, people give up on life or make a decision that they can let go and then they pass on. So, I wonder and have asked God, why she has such a will, in her horribly frail condition, to live. I know that she longs to see God and to be with my earthly father. But, she lingers.
Then you ask yourself, "Is there a purpose for her lingering?" "What could that be?"
This morning, as I sat here praying about what to post, my thoughts went to my mother and her condition. As, I thought God revealed much to me about my mother and myself.
I know that I do not want to die and the reason may seem strange. I do not want to miss anything. I want to see what is going to happen next on this earth. Now , this is not to say that I will not see what happens next if I do die, I really don't know the answer to that. Maybe, I just never thought much about it. But, the reality is, my thinking is a bit skewed on this matter.
There by, goes my mother as well. This morning God revealed that my mother is just like me. She may miss something and does not want to let go. How controlling is that???
You think you have surrendered all. Given everything to God and WHAM He shows you the truth. My need to know and see what will happen next is keeping me from truly surrendering to God.
I thank God that He continues to show me those unknown sins in my life and that He has used my mothers condition to show me this sin. Perhaps, this is the reason she lingers. With her Alzheimer's, she is not in the mind set to be thinking "I'm going to hang around to see what happens next". But, I think of how she has probably been, like myself, in this mind set all of her life. This is probably one of those self fulling curses that we can put on ourselves.
I can not say to her "when you see God, go to Him" like I did for the man in my post "Spirit of Man". Her mind will not conceive of the idea. I can not pray that God will take her, because I am not sure of God's will in this matter. I do soooo pray that she not suffer. But, I watch as she does. I do understand that nothing happens by circumstance and that the reason is there for the understanding. I, perhaps, have learned the reason and have come to that understanding.
I have got to surrender all. Give up on the notion that I need to see what is going to happen next and stop the control issue. My mother has taught me one more lesson. For that I am eternally grateful.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Posted by Given55 at 4:10 AM