Monday, April 28, 2008

My Will

Can we interfere with the plans of God? Can we, with the power that the Lord has left us, delay, destroy, or corrupt the plans of the Almighty? This is a question that I have been asking myself and searching God for the answer to.

Smith Wigglesworth wrote that his wife had been killed and dayand he prayed her back to life. This was a mistake (not in God's plan) and after a talk with his wife, he let her go to her God. I heard of another man who was ill and the doctors said that there was nothing that they could do for him. His wife, who was an incredible prayer warrior, prayed healing over him and he recovered. But,he became ill again, and again she prayed him to health. This went on and on till finally, the man asked that his wife be kept away from him so he could go to God.

These appear to be examples of interference with the plans of God.

I have been at the hospital for 12 days now. My mother is in the hospice unit and is just laying in the bed. Nothing more. Just lying there.

Last week, as I sat in front of her, I saw the spirit of death come to her. I gasped at the prospect. The spirit left, but then returned a moment later. I watch it and could feel the fear rise up within me. Then, again it left.

I was confused by this, why would it leave? I have prayed and look to God over the issue. A moment of clarity came to me at 3:30 in the morning. I had gotten up from m hospital bed to ask the nurses to move my mother and give her morphine. After I sat down, a man walked into the room. What is this at 3:30 in the morning? He told me he was a Chaplin.

He mentioned my mother and I welled up with tears. He said, that's alright, even Christ wept. I shared with him, that I believe that Christ wept because He could feel the pain of His people and was overcome by His love for them. The Chaplin began to weep and said "You have moved me." He then pulled up a chair. We had the most intimate and deep conversation,, about our God that I have ever had. We shared our love for God and what He had done for us. We truly ministered to each other. But, He seemed to know things about me that I had not told him and in those things he gave me incredibly encouraging words.

At one point, while he was speaking, I looked over at my mother and knew that God was talking to me. He said, "It is your fault". I knew that He was talking about why she lingers. "It is your fault". What a frightening thought that was to me.

I have prayed about this for a few days. I now realize that in my will, my subconscious will, I have interfered with the plans of God. I have not prayed to keep my mother from death, but have willed it in my deep longings for her to stay.

I always, try to only do what I see my Father doing and to never pray against His will. But, knowing this is wrong, I never thought about the outcome of doing such a thing. How devastating.

My will not God's. Not the way I try to walk, but this is what I have been doing. So, now, I have to learn how to completely surrender this one, knowing that when I do my mother will leave. I have tried and not found the road to completeness with this issue. I continue to strive to unload my will and lay it at the foot of the cross.

So, much to battle right now. I can only surrender and watch God's hand at work. I know the glory and joy that will lay at the other end, but right now it is a battle. I am, however, very tired of the battle and want to surrender so I can rest in the arms of my God.


Desert Cat said...

This hits close to home, eh? I am probably guilty of the same. Still though, I feel like if there is any doubt to err on the side of fighting for life.

That's not always his will, I know.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and your mom this morning. I realize how hard it is for you at this present time, however, try to think what it would be like for your mom to stay here, then what it would be like for her to go forward. Jesus has already conquered death. Peace and happiness lie on the other side.
May God hold your hand today. What a wonderful God we serve....

Sending strength,
Aunt D.

Given55 said...

Desert Cat,
Absolutely err on the side of fighting. But, there is no doubt that it is her time and I must find that surrender deep inside of me. Thank you so very much for your comments they keep me in touch with the Lord. Grounded and looking towards the light.

Given55 said...

Aunt D,

This morning, as I sat beside my mothers bed, I did think about what it would be like for her on the other side compared to here. Your comment is very timely.

I continue to try to release her. I wait on the Lord knowing that He hears me and knows my heart. Do I know my heart? That is another question that God will have to reveal to me.

Thank you. You have been supportive and so very loving.
God has certainly brought you along side of me as an encourager. God bless you.

DadCat said...

The comments I see here are all from the point of view of those who will be left behind.
We who are on the other side (having been given the chance to leave) have a somewhat different point of view. Taking that choice and leaving carries with it the burden of guilt for abandoning those who love us and want us to stay.
If I stop accepting the blood transfusions, which are keeping the Leukemia at bay, I would either be transported to heaven or I would force the hand of God to heal me if He wants me to stay and continue the work He has me doing now. Would it be wrong to force the issue this way? My conscience says that it would, yet having caught a glimpse of heaven, that temptation is always there in the background.
I guess that it comes down to this. Neither those staying nor those going really know the will of God. We only have our own desires.

Desert Cat said...

Still the time will come soon enough when there are no more transfusion matches.

Given55 said...

I think of my mother and how she handled death of loved ones. Always so stoic. I am not the least bit stoic and cry. We are selfish in that we do not want a love one to leave, but after all we are only human.